Managing Perfectionism

This is the first of two articles that address perfectionism. In this one, we will explore what perfectionism is and why it is destructive. In the second one, we will take a look at some strategies for both controlling the need to be perfect and living a more relaxed, satisfying life.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not allow themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on the alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and others. They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for deviations from the rules or the norm.

Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated by self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection. The high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.

Causes and Characteristics

* Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist believes that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always perfect, so she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at all.
* Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that if he is successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it up. This becomes a heavy burden--who wants to operate at such a high level all of the time?
* Low self-esteem. A perfectionists need for love and approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of others. This makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy relationships with others.
* Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can’t be done perfectly, it’s not worth doing.
* Extreme determination. Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also true of high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the result of his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing the achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his downfall because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging his heroic efforts.

The Costs of Being a Perfectionist

Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it might provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and becoming so rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can produce contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs include the following:

* Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a cause of perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a perfectionist never feels good enough about himself or his personal performance, he usually feels like a loser or a failure.
* Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can easily develop a negative attitude.
* Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged and depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know that it is impossible to reach the ideal.
* Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle things well. They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a result.
* Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have everything meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack spontaneity.
* Lack of motivation. A person who expects perfection may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she thinks that she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, she may begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears that she will never reach her goal.
* Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an intense fear of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. Writers who suffer from writer"s block are examples of the perfectionist’s paralysis.
* Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain order or structure in his life, he may become overly focused on details and rules.
Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk behaviors.
* Eating disorders. Many studies have determined that perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop eating disorders.

The Perfectionist versus The High Achiever

People produce many of their best achievements when they are striving to do their best. High achievers, like perfectionists, want to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike perfectionists, high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking failure are part of the achievement process--and part of being human.

Emotionally Healthy High Producers

You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

* Set standards that are high but achievable.
* Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
* Recover from disappointment quickly.
* Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of failure.
* View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.
* React positively to constructive feedback.

Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect yourself to be perfect, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these perfectionist behaviors as you observe them.

The Straight Facts on Body Image

Although most of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t like ("my nose could be smaller,” “my thighs could be thinner"), for some people, dealing a negative body image is a part of daily life.  The media’s obsession with dieting, and with thin, rich celebrities, certainly contributes to the problem.  However, each of us is ultimately responsible for refusing to participate in this superficial obsession and learning to love ourselves the way we are. Read on to learn more about body image problems and how to overcome them.

What is Body Image?

The scientist in me wants to say that the true definition of body image is the brain’s representation of of the body’s sensory system and internal sense of having a body.  This internal “body image” changes as we grow, especially in childhood and adolescence.  That partly explains why teenagers can be so klutzy and awkward, because their bodies are growing faster than their brains can keep up with.

However, most of us define body image as how we evaluate ourselves. Aside from feeling like we have a body, most of us have an opinion about our bodies.  Those with a healthy body image may have a couple of areas they think need improvement, but generally, they feel good about the way they look and are able to enjoy and appreciate their bodies.  Those who struggle with their weight very often have a negative body image. They feel fat, ugly, and unloveable.  They think others judge them harshly, and they shy away from certain social situations.

In extreme cases, a person’s body image can be so distorted that it can lead to serious problems. Here, the negative self-evaluation reaches painful levels, and often there is a huge distortion in how these people see themselves.  To others, they may look just fine, but they grossly misjudge the size or attractiveness of certain parts of their bodies.  This is a cardinal feature of some psychological disorders, like Body Dysmorphic Disorder and some Eating Disorders.  These are serious problems that require professional attention, and shouldn’t be dismissed as a sign that the person is “superficial” or “conceited.”

Signs of Negative Body Image

Worried that you or someone you know might have a problem with body image?  Some of the signs are listed below:

* You constantly compare your appearance with others.
* You refuse to let your picture be taken, or are extremely self-conscious in photos.
* You keep checking a certain body part that you think is flawed (e.g., your nose or belly).
* You measure the flaw frequently (e.g., weighing yourself).
* You attempt to hide your flaws.
* You feel anxious and self-conscious around other people.
* You call yourself names: “hideous,” “ugly,” and “disgusting.”

In addition, the following are signs of Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

* You avoid leaving the house unless you absolutely have to. Body Dysmorphic Disorder limits your social and love life.
* You spend hours getting ready, often applying and reapplying makeup several times, or fixing a strand of hair that doesn’t quite go where you want it to.
* You seek frequent and repetitive cosmetic surgery, and often aren’t happy with the results.
* More frequent in men: you weight train excessively, never feeling satisfied with the size or shape of your muscles.

If you suffer from debilitating levels of negative body image, and suspect you might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder or an Eating Disorder, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. You don’t need to feel this way; there is good help available out there.

How to Feel Better About Your Body

If you think you could use some help in the body image department, there are lots of ways you can learn to love your body.  Here are a few:

* Stop watching TV (see my blog post on my decision to go this extreme route).  I have no idea what’s in the theatres, what brands are hot, and who recently gained 10 pounds, and guess what, I don’t care!  This applies to magazines and other forms of superficial media as well.
* Make a list of all the things you like about your body. Really get into it!  Undress in front of the mirror (soft lighting helps!), and look at yourself through different (more accepting, and loving) eyes.
* Get rid of the clothes that make you feel ugly.  Only wear clothes that fit you well and play up your great features.  Experiment with new styles and accessories.  A stylist can help you decide which cuts, styles and fabrics look best on your body (check my Resources page for some recommendations).
* Stop comparing yourself to others. Maybe that thin girl over there is desperately unhappy and starves herself all day to look that way.  Is that how you want to measure your self-worth?
* Rediscover the pleasure in sensual activities.  Yes, that might mean making love, but it also includes moving in ways that make you feel alive.  Dancing, yoga, and exercise all make you feel more fluid and energized.  Strength training is especially effective in helping you focus your attention mindfully on what makes your body work, leading to a greater appreciation of yourself, a feeling of strength and power, and of course, a toned and sculpted body.
* Smile at yourself every time you look in the mirror.  Hard to do at first, but works like a charm, especially right before you walk out the door!
* Pamper yourself regularly.  Use lotions and soaps that smell delicious, take lovely bubblebaths, and have a spa day (at home or not) every so often.  Do little things to make yourself feel gorgeous (paint your toenails, try a new hairdo, or put on that outfit that makes you feel great).

Remember, you can’t change the media, but you can choose what you pay attention to and how you feel about yourself.  Learn to love yourself the way you are, and be the best you can be right now. Tomorrow is another day, and today is all you’ve got!

Glow Magazine: Julia featured in article on curbing craving

I’ll be featured in Glow Magazine’s Summer issue.  Look out for the article on curbing cravings in their Health section - I’ve contributed a few thoughts about emotional eating.  Check your newsstands in the coming weeks!

Stretch Out of Your Comfort Zone and Try Something New

When’s the last time you tried something new?  I mean really tried something new: a new haircut, a new way of doing something, a new hobby, or even something as simple as a new restaurant. We often get stuck in our habits and routines.  A grocery store commercial comes to mind, where a woman is shopping the aisles with her eyes closed, having picked the same products off the shelves for so long she knows exactly where they are through muscle memory alone.

Often habits go beyond the simple daily routines we keep.  They can apply to ways of thinking, feeling and behaving on a more serious level. Staying stuck in an unhealthy or dysfunctional pattern not only prevents you from living your best life, but can be self-destructive too.  For those of you who are stuck in health habits that keep you overweight and unhappy, you know all too well how hard it can be to break free from these patterns.

Why People Stay Stuck

One big reason people stay stuck is the comfort that comes from force of habit.  Better to stick with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t know, right?  Well, maybe not.  Comfort zones are limiting, preventing you from venturing out into new, unexplored territory.

Fear of change is another big reason. With fear come all the questions: what do I have to lose by changing?  What will I be giving up?  How hard will it be to try something new?  What if I fail?  What if it doesn’t last?  How do I know things will be better the new way, anyway?

There are no ready answers for these questions. But know that anything worth having usually comes through hard work, persistence, and experimentation.  And even though things might not be better the new way, things definitely won’t get better if you don’t try.

Benefits of Trying Something New

Here are some of the advantages of trying something new: 

* Overcome your fears.  Haven’t taken a vacation in years because you’re afraid of flying?  Now’s a good a time as any to tackle that fear (whether on your own or with professional help). 

* Change as an opportunity for growth.  Every time you encounter a change in your life, you get to learn something about yourself.  Every time you experiment with something different, you learn something about the world, your strengths and even your limitations (why waste time on something you’re not good at?).

* Keep your mind sharp.  Whenever you try something new, you’re challenging your mind, keeping your skills fresh, and forging new pathways in your brain.  It also helps you stay interested, because nothing ever gets boring.

* Discover your passion.  How will you know what you’re truly in love with and good at if you haven’t taken the time to try anything and everything the world has to offer?

* Live life more fully.  Instead of staying to stuck to the same old boring routine, break out of the mold and do all those things you’ve been meaning to try.  Not only will every day be different and more interesting, you’ll have a lifetime of memories to look forward to (and no regrets, either!).

* Replace old habits with new, healthier ones.  Perhaps the most important benefit of all.  Each time you create a new habit, you have to make room by getting rid of an old one.  By finding an after-dinner activity that will keep you active, engaged and having fun, you won’t be able to park yourself on the couch every evening with a bag of snacks.

Where Should I Start?

Like anything else, you should always start small. Choose changes that are not only easy to implement, but actually sound fun or exciting.  Once you get comfortable with making smaller changes, move on to bigger, scarier ones.  See the list below for some suggestions:

* Try a different route on your way to work or during your daily walk.

* Check out local listings for interesting activities you’ve always meant to try (e.g., yoga, painting, or wine tasting classes).

* Rearrange your furniture in a way that’s more aesthetically pleasing and more functional.

Practice announcement: Joining the Pathways Group

I am very pleased to announce that I will be joining a new group practice, The Pathways West Island Wellness Center. This office is located in Pointe-Claire Village, conveniently located close to Highway 20, on the corner of Cartier and Lakeshore.  The office is newly renovated and has a wonderful Zen-like atmosphere.  I’ll be starting there at the beginning of March.

Pathways offers services to adults, children, couples and families. Specialties include both therapy and psychological testing, including psychoeducational assessments and personality testing.  If you know anyone who might be in need of these services, feel free to pass along this info!

20 Tips for Assertive Communication

Most of us know that assertiveness will get us further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Acme Inc. project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Acme Inc. project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she will respect you for your directness.

4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”

5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Acme Inc. project,” say, “I would like the Acme Inc. project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. ”Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication. This also works at home; when you and a family have a disagreement or important discussion; be sure to ask them to repeat back what you’ve asked of them.  Do the same for them.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behaviour rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”

15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

How can assertive communication help you lose weight?  Often, those of us who are afraid of confrontation, or express anger inappropriately, have problematic relationships.  The stress that this creates, and the repetive cycle of passivity and aggressivity, can lead to using food to “stuff” away the feelings or relieve the pain of anger and shame.  By setting better limits with yourself and with others, not only will you have a stronger sense of self and better relationships, you’ll also let go of the need for food to help you say what you previously couldn’t.

Setting New Year’s Resolutions That Work

It’s January 1st.  Karen wakes up past noon, feeling groggy and bloated from too much drinking and eating at last night’s party.  As she slowly gets up, she stares at her pudge, feeling that it has ballooned exponentially over the holidays.  Disgusted with herself, she vows that THIS will be the year that she finally loses weight, gets back into her skinny jeans (which have long since gone out of fashion) and becomes a fitness buff.

Full of resolve, she vows to eat nothing but celery sticks and carrots when she gets the munchies, to prepare the elaborate meals from that diet book she bought for New Year’s Resolution 2001, and to get to the gym 5 days a week.

That very night, she slips up and finishes the box of Christmas cookies from her mother.  A week later, she finally gets up the courage to go to the gym, which is crowded with other Resolvers.  After waiting 15 minutes for a machine, she feels exhausted after her 10 minute workout (with the machine set to Level 1!).  Defeated, discouraged, and without energy, she goes home to a bucket of ice cream; things were fine just the way they were.

Sound familiar?

What went wrong?

* Her motivation to lose weight was motivated by disgust and fear, not a desire to take care of herself.  This always leads to guilty failure, a sense of disappointing yourself or someone else.
* She didn’t have a specific plan; rather, she went about willy-nilly doing things she thought you’re supposed to do when you’re on a “diet” (my most loathed four-letter word).
* Whatever meagre goals she did have were completely unrealistic; one cannot subsist on carrots and celery, nor can one realistically expect to cut out all desserts and sweets.
* She didn’t have the tools and support to make her goals work.

With a lack of adequate planning, realistic goals, and support from the outside, it is difficult to make any sort of change.  And this scenario doesn’t just apply to weight management; almost any resolution that is poorly planned will result in frustration and failure.  Read on to find out the 10 steps to setting New Year’s resolutions that work.

Prepare for Succcess

First, prepare the groundwork.

1. Create a list of areas you think might need improvement. Be creative, and be ambitious.  As with any other brainstorming activity, any idea, no matter how wild, counts.  Ask yourself, “What do I really want your life to look like?” Be sure to include areas other than the physical (work, relationships, spiritual, etc.).

2. Whittle your list down to 1 or 2 major life areas. Decide what you will prioritize for now.  There is always time for more later.  Is this the year you go back to school, change careers, focus on your health?  By trying to do too much, you’ll set yourself up for overwhelm.

3. Think about why you want to make changes in those areas. What will the benefits be?  Are you motivated by a vision that excites you (being full of energy and vitality), or one that terrifies you (if you keep this up, you’ll eventually weigh 300 pounds)?  Ask yourself who you’re really changing for; yourself, or someone else?

4. Create a list of obstacles that might come up, and find specific ways to handle each one. If you know you eat well all day but can’t stop snacking after dinner, then have a backup plan.  If you never seem to have time to devote to a hobby, then create a time that you hold sacred and stick to it.

5. Ask for support. Let friends and family know about your resolution.  Be clear that nagging and pushing won’t help; instead, ask for specific ways in which they can help.  For example, ask your husband to cook dinner twice a week so you can fit in that workout after work rather than rush home to prepare dinner.

Be Smart About Goal-Setting

Next, use the S.M.A.R.T. principle to create goals that you can stick to. Goals should be:

6. Specific. The more specific the goal, the more concrete your behaviour can be.  Rather than say, “I want to have the same body I did 10 years ago,” say, “I want to lose 10 pounds.” Note that a single vision (focus on my health this year) may generate many, many specific goals (lose 10 pounds, take my vitamins, exercise 3 times a week).  Make a list of as many as you can think of.

7. Measureable. Goals that are measurable are trackable.  And if they’re trackable you can always be on top of your progress.  And when you’re always on top of your progress, you’ll be able to figure out what’s keeping you stuck, and congratulate yourself when you’ve reached a milestone.

8. Attainable. Please, be realistic!  You are never going to wear those skin-tight, acid-wash jeans that you wore when you were 16.  Just admit it to yourself and move on.  Instead, pick a goal that is a bit of a stretch but not something that will overwhelm you.  If your idea of exercise is cleaning the bathroom, then resolving to become a gym buff isn’t going to work.  A more realistic goal would be to try a yoga class and walk for a total of 30 minutes a week (until you become fitter and the goals can increase).

9. Relevant. This brings us back to the previous section.  The goals you set need to fit within the vision you have for your life; they need to be for no one’s benefit but your own.  They have to be something you can feel excited about.  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe those 5 extra pounds don’t actually matter to you?  Maybe what you really want to accomplish this year is developing a new skill or hobby, or improve your marriage.

10. Timely. This doesn’t just refer to setting deadlines for your goals (e.g., “Lose 10 pounds in 3 months").  It also means focusing on developing new habits.  Resolutions aren’t just quick fixes, things that you’ll do temporarily until “something changes.” True change requires a lifetime commitment.  When you were a toddler, your parents diligently taught you to brush your teeth.  Now, you have to do the same for yourself.  As they say, a new habit takes 21 days to form.  One way to make changes that stick is to develop a new habit every week (or every 21 days).  Take those goals that you listed in Step 6 and set a timeline for when you’ll incorporate each one into your lifestyle.  For example, the first week you might resolve to drink at least six glasses of water each day; the second week, you’ll get 30 minutes of physical activity per week; the third, you’ll try to stop eating when you’re full; and so on.  Slow and steady wins the race!

With these 10 steps in hand, you have a recipe to start 2009 off on the right foot!