Top 10 Barriers to Self-Growth

Change can be scary as we feel new things, entertain different thoughts, perhaps leave old ways behind. Often, resistance to change can rear its ugly head whenever our egos feel threatened by some change in the status quo.  This resistance can take many forms, and is sometimes difficult to recognize in ourselves.  Here are 10 obstacles that can hinder self-growth.

1. Denial. It’s difficult to grow when you don’t see the need. Listen to the quiet voice inside and to what your loved ones are saying. Get the support you need to see the truth, because ultimately it’s the truth that will set you free.

2. Seeing yourself as a victim. If you’re always one-down, you can’t become the empowered person you are meant to be.  Staying trapped as a victim robs you of the opportunity to take charge and change how you react to a situation.

3. Substance abuse. Whether you’re self-medicating with food or alcohol, or seeking escape, the problems just don’t go away without the willingness to face them.  In fact, the problem only gets worse, because a new problem is created--like excess weight, or addiction--that takes the focus away from the root cause.

4. Self-loathing. Nothing banishes self-hatred faster than self-care. Choose in any moment the kindest path.  If a friend came to you with the same problem, what advice would you give her?  Use the same advice for yourself, and do it with love.

5. Blame. If we always point the finger at one another, we never see our own role.  Be willing to take responsibility for your part in contributing to the problem.

6. Defensiveness. This is a racket we swing against anything that suggests we might be at fault. Try to see “faults” as opportunities to grow.

7. Fear. Acknowledge the frightened parts of yourself, praise your courage, and be gentle.  Fear is a natural response to change; see it as a rite of passage!

8. Rage. Rage is a call for attention to our triggers, but sometimes we get stuck there. Accepting and working creatively with the feelings can help free you, as can understanding which needs aren’t being met that trigger the rage.

9. Busyness. Constantly moving allows no time for the reflection that lays the foundation for self-growth.  It also gives the false impression that you are “doing something about it” without actually taking purposeful action.

10. Unwillingness to admit error. As with defensiveness, if we stop judging “error” as wrong, an ever-expanding life awaits.

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

March only: Get a complimentary “barrier removal” strategy session

Do you recognize any of the barriers listed in this article in yourself?  Do you have a sneaking suspicion that you’ve been ignoring them for too long?  Are you afraid of what admitting to them might mean?  Or are you just not sure how to get past them?

If you want answers to any of these questions, I invite you to schedule a special phone call with me: a “barrier removal” strategy session! This is a one-time offer that I’m making for the month of March: schedule a *complimentary* 30-minute telephone session any time before April 1st, 2010, and you’ll walk away with a better understanding of what’s holding you back and which action steps to take.

Here’s how it’ll work: once we schedule the call, I’ll ask you to give me a brief overview of the change you’d like to make.  Then, we’ll identify which of the 10 barriers you recognize in yourself, and we’ll narrow it down to your top 1-3.  From there, we’ll try to understand how these barriers operate and what function they might be serving.  Finally, we’ll come up with a list of ways to overcome those barriers so that you can move forward and see the changes you’d like to in your life. 

To schedule your strategy session now, click the button below. You’ll be able to pick a time that works for both of us.  If that doesn’t work, then feel free to contact me by email or phone (see details below).  Looking forward to meeting you on the call, and to helping you get unstuck!

The Importance of Self-Love

The legend of Narcissus tells of a young boy who, upon seeing his reflection in a clear fountain with water like silver, fell hopelessly in love with himself. Unable to tear his gaze away from his reflection, he could not eat, could not sleep, until finally, he pined away and died.

Unfortunately, the myth of Narcissus is too often our concept of self-love. We believe that if we love ourselves, we are selfish and self-centered, that falling in love with self means conceit and self-absorption. In fact, the opposite is true. Self-love is an honoring of the self that requires a high degree of independence and courage. The love we give others will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves.

The Problem with not Loving Yourself

A lack of self-love is a sign of low self-esteem or self-worth and shows its face in many ways: a refusal to enjoy life, workaholism, perfectionism, procrastination, emotional eating, guilt, and shame. Those who lack self-love avoid commitments, stay in destructive relationships, and fail to experience true intimacy with anyone. They practice negative self-talk, compare themselves with others, compete with others, caretake others and fail to take care of themselves. Unlike Narcissus, when they look in a mirror, they turn away.

The primary difference in those who practice self-love and those who don’t is their belief about themselves. “Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence,” said Nathaniel Branden in his book on self-esteem, “Honoring the Self.”

The Gift of Self-Love

Unable to love ourselves, we are our own harshest critics, fault finders, nay-sayers and naggers. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can do to me what I have not already done to myself.” And just the opposite is true, too. We can be our own heroes, nurturers, lovers and champions.

Acting from authentic self-love, people are gentle, attentive and kind to themselves. They develop their gifts and talents and live according to the values and standards they have set for themselves. Theirs is a beauty that shines from within; they laugh readily and are at ease in the world. Theirs is not a conceit, but a sureness of self. “To honor the self,” Branden said, “is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.”

So to answer the question, “What does self-love have to do with it?”

Everything.

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

Why Therapy? Exploring the Strengths of Seeking Help

Long before there were therapists, there were family members. Grandpa and Aunt Jane listened, or gave us advice, or sometimes just told us to buck up. If family couldn’t help, there were friends or a clergy member. But most likely, we were also warned not to broadcast our troubles, and many people suffered their emotional problems silently.

Times have changed, and so has society’s acceptance of seeking help. The old stigma of being seen as weak or incapable is largely gone.  This has been helped tremendously by many well-known writers, actors and politicians being open about their struggles with, and treatments for, everything from depression to chronic shoplifting. Going to a therapist is now seen as a sign of strength and willingness to take charge of one’s life.  Rather than proof that someone is “sick,” it is a sign of good health to make a commitment to change.

What Makes Therapy Different?

You might be wondering what talking to a therapist will do that you can’t get from talking to a dear friend or family member. “Therapy is a unique relationship and what makes it valuable sets it apart from friendships, working partnerships, family connections and love affairs,” says Carl Sherman, author of How to Go to Therapy: Making the Most of Professional Help.

In his book, author Sherman describes therapy as a balance in which two people are “collaborating on a single project: helping you deal with your problems and achieve the change you want. There is no other agenda.”

It’s the simplicity of that agenda, combined with a structured schedule, confidentiality and trust, that make this unique relationship work so well for so many people. What’s more, the “unconditional positive regard” that characterizes all good therapeutic relationships can serve as a new way of experiencing one’s self as worthy of another’s respect and acceptance. 

Will I Have to Lie on a Couch?

Some people are afraid or uncertain about what to expect. For example (thanks to the media!), some people believe a therapist will make them lie on a couch, or say or do crazy things. While some therapists might have couches in their offices, you choose where to sit. You choose what to say. You choose when to say it.

And, nowadays, there is an incredible number of ways to explore problems. Beyond conventional talk therapy, there is art therapy, music therapy, somatic therapy--even laughter therapy--to name just a few. For every kind of problem, and every kind of person, there is a therapeutic healing modality that fits.

Benefits of Therapy

The strength of therapy is that there are no strings attached. In his book, Sherman offers some further benefits of the therapeutic relationship:

1. Safety. If the relationship is right, you can feel safe to reveal your fears, dreams and fantasies without fear of repercussions or judgment on the part of the therapist. Unlike telling a friend or family member, your words to a therapist won’t come back to haunt you.  And as you learn to disclose your deepest thoughts and feelings, you will feel more confident in sharing those parts of yourself with those closest to you, strengthening your bonds with others.

2. Confidentiality. The therapist is bound by ethics and law (except in a few well-defined cases) not to reveal what you have said during sessions. This adds to the feeling of safety and trust, and aids in people making changes.

3. Learning. Therapy can be seen as a deeply educational experience, in which a therapist acts like a coach or teacher to help the client see the world--inner and outer--in new and positive ways.  What’s more, that learning takes place on a deeply emotional level, meaning that it contributes to long-lasting changes. 

Into each life some rain must fall, and we all have felt deluged at least once in our lives. Grief, loss, anger, financial hardship, relationship problems, stress--all of these are a normal part of life. So is seeking help when coping is just too hard. It’s also normal to be a little afraid of what friends and family might say about seeing a therapist. But, in the end, it’s your life, and you know best how to make it a richer, happier and more fulfilling one--with a little help.

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

“Virtual Tour” of my new office

Now that I’m nicely settled into my new office, located in the Clinique Psy-Sante, I’ve taken a few pictures to share with you. I truly enjoyed planning out the space, and filling it with furnishings and decor pieces that I feel create a warm, inviting, and zen-like atmosphere.

Space is very important, especially in the work that I do.  It’s important that both therapist and client feel safe and “enveloped” by the room around them, as this room is the place where pain is shared, and hope is born. Let me know in the comments what you think!

15 Tips for Holiday Eating Without Weight Gain

by Michelle May, M.D.

Do you anticipate the holidays but dread the “inevitable” holiday weight gain? Do your holiday events revolve around eating more than the meaning, people, presents, decorations, or travel?

Avoiding holiday weight gain and eating healthy during the holidays can be a real challenge unless you have a great strategy.  These 15 holiday eating tips will help you avoid holiday weight gain and enjoy the season more while eating less.

1.  It is easier to get distracted from signals of physical hunger and satiety at social gatherings, especially if food is the main event. Make an effort to pay close attention to your body’s signals.

2.  Be a food snob. Skip the store-bought goodies, the dried-out fudge and the so-so stuffing. If the food you select doesn’t taste as good as you expected, stop eating it and choose something else. Think of how much less you’d eat if you only ate things that tasted fabulous!

3.  Think of your appetite as an expense account. How much do you want to spend on appetizers or the entree? Do you want to save some room for dessert? Go through this process mentally to avoid eating too much food and feeling uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.

4.  Pace your eating prior to the event so you’ll be hungry but not famished at mealtime. But please, ignore the old diet advice of “eat before you go to a party so you won’t be tempted.” That is absurd! You want to be hungry enough to enjoy your favorites.

5.  Socialize away from the sight of the food. People who tend to overeat are “food suggestible” so just hanging around food causes them to eat more than they need.

6.  Survey all of the food at a buffet before making your choices. Choose the foods that you really want most at that time and remind yourself that you can have the other foods at a later time.

7.  If the food is so special, give it your full attention rather than eating on autopilot. Eat mindfully by reducing distractions and sitting down to eat - even if it’s just a cookie. Appreciate the appearance and aroma of your food and savor one small bite at a time by putting your fork down. You’ll eat less food but enjoy it more.

8.  If the food doesn’t taste as good as you expected, stop eating it and choose something else.

9.  Since the duration of the meal tends to be extended at social events, you may need to have your plate taken away (or put your napkin on it) once you are satisfied to avoid nibbling unconsciously.

10. Be aware of the effects of alcohol on your food intake. And don’t forget that many beverages contain calories too.

11. Be cautious of “obligatory eating” - avoid eating just because it is on the table, on your plate, because you paid for it, it’s free, or because someone made it. Deal with Food Pushers with a polite but firm, “No thank you.” If you’re concerned about hurting their feelings, ask for the recipe or a small portion to take home with you for another meal.

12. It’s common to have candy and snacks lying all over the place this time of year. Avoid indulging in food just because it’s there. Grazing unconsciously leads to extra calories that you probably won’t even remember enjoying.

13. Before having a cookie, a piece of fudge or other holiday treat that was laid in the break room, check your hunger level. If you’re hungry and you choose a favorite food to satisfy you, remember to sit down and eat it mindfully - no guilt.

14. At restaurants, the portion sizes are usually huge - almost always “two for the price of one.” Request appetizer portions, co-order and co-eat with your dining partner, or have the server package up your meal to go as soon as you feel satisfied. Remember, “super-size” is no bargain if you didn’t need that much food in the first place!

15. Look for opportunities for physical activity - take a walk after dinner to enjoy the lights, take a few laps around the mall before it opens to do some window shopping or take guests to local attractions.

Most importantly, delight all of your senses.  Enjoy the company, the atmosphere, the entertainment, and the traditions as much, if not more, than the food.

The Makeover Show: Post-Show Update and Pics

A few weeks ago I participated in The Makeover Show, which was a great experience.  Besides being loads of fun, it was great to connect with so many wonderful people who are into “makeovers” - especially of the personal growth kind.  I had some fun giveaways, including fridge magnets, green apples that “matched” my table, and a raffle to win a copy of my favourite emotional eating book, “Breaking Free From Emotional Eating” by Geneen Roth. Check out the pictures below:

Me at my table, with my freebies and giveaways.  I loved the way my “Makeover” banner turned out!

Kudos to my sister (a former event planner) for helping out with the colour scheme and decoration!

Deep in conversation!