Managing Perfectionism

This is the first of two articles that address perfectionism. In this one, we will explore what perfectionism is and why it is destructive. In the second one, we will take a look at some strategies for both controlling the need to be perfect and living a more relaxed, satisfying life.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not allow themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on the alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and others. They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for deviations from the rules or the norm.

Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated by self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection. The high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.

Causes and Characteristics

* Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist believes that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always perfect, so she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at all.
* Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that if he is successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it up. This becomes a heavy burden--who wants to operate at such a high level all of the time?
* Low self-esteem. A perfectionists need for love and approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of others. This makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy relationships with others.
* Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can’t be done perfectly, it’s not worth doing.
* Extreme determination. Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also true of high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the result of his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing the achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his downfall because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging his heroic efforts.

The Costs of Being a Perfectionist

Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it might provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and becoming so rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can produce contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs include the following:

* Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a cause of perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a perfectionist never feels good enough about himself or his personal performance, he usually feels like a loser or a failure.
* Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can easily develop a negative attitude.
* Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged and depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know that it is impossible to reach the ideal.
* Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle things well. They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a result.
* Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have everything meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack spontaneity.
* Lack of motivation. A person who expects perfection may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she thinks that she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, she may begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears that she will never reach her goal.
* Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an intense fear of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. Writers who suffer from writer"s block are examples of the perfectionist’s paralysis.
* Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain order or structure in his life, he may become overly focused on details and rules.
Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk behaviors.
* Eating disorders. Many studies have determined that perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop eating disorders.

The Perfectionist versus The High Achiever

People produce many of their best achievements when they are striving to do their best. High achievers, like perfectionists, want to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike perfectionists, high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking failure are part of the achievement process--and part of being human.

Emotionally Healthy High Producers

You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

* Set standards that are high but achievable.
* Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
* Recover from disappointment quickly.
* Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of failure.
* View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.
* React positively to constructive feedback.

Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect yourself to be perfect, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these perfectionist behaviors as you observe them.

What to do About the Holiday Blues

Not everyone shares in the celebration and joy associated with the holidays. Many people feel stressed and unhappy in response to the demands of shopping for gifts, spending large amounts of money, attending parties and family gatherings, and entertaining house guests. It is not uncommon to react to these stresses with excessive drinking and eating, difficulty sleeping, and physical complaints. The holiday blues are a common result. If you experience reactions like these during the holidays, you are not alone. Let’s take a look at what causes the holiday blues and what you can do about them.

What Causes the Holiday Blues?

* Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.

* Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.

* Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.

* Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.

* It could be SAD. People who live in northern parts of the hemisphere may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months.

Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.

* Be realistic. Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.

* Drink less alcohol. Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.

* Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful. Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.

* Have a spending limit and stick to it. Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.

* Be honest. Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”

* Look for sources of support. Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.

* Give yourself special care. Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.

* Set limits and priorities. Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.

* Volunteer your time. If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.

* Get some exercise. Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.

After the Holidays

For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.

Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?

Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.

Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional. 

Should you take an antidepressant?

Many of my clients ask me if they should take antidepressants. Although I’m not a doctor and cannot prescribe or recommend the use of medication, in general I’m against the use of antidepressants for mild or situational depression.  If a person is so depressed they can’t get out of bed or maintain a minimal level of functioning, then I’m all for medication to help them get through a rough patch.  In these cases, medication is a must.  But the idea is to make this a temporary solution, not a permanent one.  The downside of taking an antidepressant alone to treat depression is that you never learn to deal with the problems that are leading to the depression in the first place.  By taking a medication, you’re treating the symptoms, not the real problem, which is equivalent to putting a bandaid on a deep wound.  It might stop the bleeding, but the second you take it off the bleeding starts again. 

I came across a great article that discusses the use of antidepressants from a holistic point of view. Go here to learn more.  Note that this article is mainly geared towards women, but much of the content applies to men as well. 

Can being depressed shorten your lifespan?

I recently came across a disturbing statistic. The World Health Organization (WHO) has studied a number of factors that reduce both a person’s lifespan as well as their quality of life. The latter statistic is termed Disability-Adjusted Life Years (DALYs), which is basically the number of years of quality life that get taken off because of one factor or another. They calculate these DALYs for each of the different parts of the world, and as you would expect, various diseases like tuberculosis and HIV are near the top of the list for developing nations. You would think that the so-called lifestyle diseases, such as diabetes and cardiovascular disease, would top the list in developing nations. However, you’d be wrong.

Depression is the #1 disease accounting for the greatest number of quality years of life lost in North America. In fact, on average, it accounts for 8.0 DALYs, or years of quality life lost due to the disability caused by the disease. This number is greater for North America than for any other part of the world. And no other country lists it as their top factor. I was astounded not just by the fact that depression topped the list in North America, but by the number of quality years it takes off the average depressed person’s life. Often people think of lifespan as being the number of years they live, but few people consider how many of those years are spent feeling healthy, happy and well. What good is it to live for 100 years if only 60 of those are healthy?

It’s time to start thinking more about quality of life and not longevity. If you or someone you know suffers from depression, this statistic should be enough reason to get out there and get some help. People don’t hesitate to seek help for other health problems, but rarely do so when it comes to their mental health. In fact, it takes on average 5 years for someone to seek help when they’re depressed. All of these factors contribute to the reason that depression is such a personal and social burden (at least in terms of DALYs). And if we factor in people who struggle with their weight and/or eating habits, the likelihood of having other related lifestyle diseases goes up.  This would account for even more DALYs, or years lost. Get a handle on your eating, and get a handle on what’s pushing you to eat (often feelings of depression), and not only will you feel better now, but you just may live longer too.