Fat Talk: Social Bonding or Socially Damaging?

Fat Talk.  If you’re a woman, you know what this is.  It happens when you get together with girlfriends.  It’s usually at its worst if you bump into someone on a “bad hair day,” (or what I like to call, more aptly, a “bad body image day").  The conversation starts innocently enough, with friendly small talk, but inevitably one of you compliments the other on “how great she looks.” Both of you know this has nothing to do with her outfit, but with how slim you perceive the other to be.

Thus begins the volley of self-deprecating remarks.  “Gosh, I feel so fat these days, I don’t know how you manage to stay so slim.” This is met with, “Lord no, you think I look skinny?  I look so gross today, I ate like a pig at lunch.  You’re delusional!” And back and forth, with each defending her position as the fat one, and complimenting the other on how great she looks.

What’s really going on here?  What’s Fat Talk really about?  And do you realize how damaging it can really be?

The Purpose of Fat Talk

There are a few factors at play here, some of which perpetuate the diet mentality and contribute to the maintenance of body image and eating disorders.

1. The social acceptability of Fat Talk.  When ”French Women Don’t Get Fat” by Mireille Guiliano first came out (this was before I specialized in this area), I remember being very clearly impressed by the author’s statement that in France (and Europe more generally), it’s considered in bad taste to comment on one’s own weight or eating habits.  However, in North America, women regularly engage in Fat Talk as a bonding activity, putting themselves down as a way to appear humble, and exchanging tips and tricks on losing weight.

That radically shifted my mindset about engaging in Fat Talk, and I became much more conscious about abstaining from these kinds of conversations with friends.  Many people find this notion to be difficult, as perhaps entire friendships are based on relating in this way.  It can be considered rude to fail to respond to these kinds of statements, but you might find it helpful to remember that by not engaging in Fat Talk, you’re showing respect for yourself and for your friend.

Saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling comfortable with your body these days, if you need support in dealing with your feelings about that I’m here to talk about it,” will go a long way in stopping fat talk short.  This is because you’re not playing along with the game expected of you, which is to deny your friend’s “excess weight,” and are rather focusing on the reality of what she’s saying, which is that she’s struggling with her body image.  This is the meaning of being a true friend.

2. The displacement of negative feelings onto one’s own body.  One of the more insidious purposes of Fat Talk is to take negative feelings about something in your life and “displace” them, or shift them onto, something more socially acceptable to attack.  Very often eating and body image disorders have at their root more serious feelings of depression or trauma.  By making your body the problem, you don’t have to deal with more painful feelings that are less obvious and concrete.  Fat Talk only reinforces this notion and neglects to deal with the more serious underlying issues.

A more dangerous version of this concept is when Fat Talk is really a veiled expression of aggression.  Maybe you’re feeling jealous of your friend’s apparent “perfect life;” without even trying, she seems to have it all, from a perfect body to a perfect job.  Or maybe you’ve been feeling unhappy about some aspect of the friendship lately.  Sometimes engaging in Fat Talk is a way to avoid having to deal with these unresolved conflicts, putting on a “happy face” as you gush about your friend’s lovely figure while really feeling inadequate, uncared for, or angry.  If you’re dissatisfied with the friendship, figure out whether it’s worth saving, and if so, approach your friend with compassion and openness to address some of these hidden feelings.  You might find that a deepening of the relationship can follow.

3. The mistaken belief that fat talk will make you feel better.  A recent study (http://bit.ly/dTSVsL) showed that over half of the people who participated believed that Fat Talk helped them feel better about their bodies.  On the surface, it might make sense that expressing shame and dissatisfaction about one’s body, which typically elicits reassurance from others, would serve that purpose.  In fact, the opposite is true: it usually tends to increase body dissatisfaction, and researchers have long known that reassurance-seeking only increases the need for ever more reassurance from others.  True body satisfaction comes from within, not from the judgments of others.  In addition, regularly engaging in Fat Talk reinforces the diet mentality, and contributes to the internalization of the ultrathin ideal.

If you’re truly feeling unhappy about your body shape or size, and feel the need to talk about it, getting support from friends can be helpful.  However, because Fat Talk is so widespread in our culture, you’ll need to be responsible for asking your friends for the kind of support you need.  This might mean saying something like, “I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with my body for some time now, and I could use a friend to talk to.  But I’m going to ask you not to tell me I look fine, or tell me if I’m so unhappy about it I should just go on a diet.  I just want someone to listen non-judgmentally while I figure out how I want to deal with this.” You might be surprised at how much of a relief this will be to your friend as well, as most women often feel poorly-equipped to give support for a topic so personal and shame-laden.  Of course, if you don’t feel comfortable opening up to friends, or if the support you need is more serious than what a friend can offer, don’t hesitate in seeking professional help.

Intuitive Eating: The Anti-Diet Approach to Eating and Losing Weight

In my last article, I explained why diets don’t work, and how they can actually do more harm than good (from causing weight gain to contributing to the development of eating disorders).  But if diets don’t work, and you really want to lose a few pounds, what will?

The answer is lies in looking at the ingredient missing in most diets: your relationship with food. In order for your weight to change, so do your thoughts, feelings and actions around food.  Intuitive eating, an approach developed by Eveyln Tribole and Elyse Resch, helps you do just that.

What is Intuitive Eating?

Intuitive eating is an approach that teaches people how to become more attuned to their bodies’ hunger signals, rather than keeping track of calories.  The process focuses on developing a healthy relationship with food, mind and body.

The basic premise is that we all contain an inner wisdom that knows exactly what we want to eat, and how much to eat at any given moment.  Skeptical?  Think of how a baby or small toddler eats: when they’re hungry, they know it (and so do you!), and no amount of pushing and prodding can get them to eat when they aren’t.  However, somewhere along the way many of us lose touch with our body’s hunger and fullness signals. Food rules learned at home or at school ("finish your plate!"), or being given food as a treat or a comfort, can eventually distort our natural relationship with food.

Intuitive eating is a non-diet approach that can help reverse this distortion.  It is also sometimes referred to as conscious or mindful eating.  However, it is also much more than that.

The 10 Principles of Intuitive Eating

In order to embrace this way of thinking and eating, there are 10 principles you can follow.  While it can be helpful to work through each one by one, remember that Intuitive Eating is a process, and it takes time to fully transition and heal your relationship with food.  (For a full description of these principles, buy the book or go to the official Intuitive Eating website.)

1. Reject the diet mentality: by letting go of the hope that there is a diet out there somewhere that will “save” you, you can find new hope in this approach.
2. Honour your hunger: eat when you’re hungry, so you don’t go into starvation mode and trigger “primal hunger.”
3. Make peace with food: give yourself unconditional permission to eat - food is always more attractive when it’s forbidden.
4. Challenge the food police: stop listening to that critical voice that judges you for every little thing you put in your mouth.
5. Respect your fullness: learn to know how much is enough, and stop overeating for good.
6. Discover the satisfaction factor: enjoying your food means less is more!
7. Honour your feelings without using food: by learning how to cope with the ups and downs of life (whether through therapy or on your own) you won’t need food to fix your feelings.
8. Respect your body: it’s hard to reject the diet mentality if you are overly critical about your body.
9. Exercise - Feel the difference: who knew focusing on the feeling of movement could be so gratifying?
10. Honour your health - Gentle nutrition: choose foods that please both your health and your tastebuds.

The Benefits of Intuitive Eating

There are many reasons you should embrace Intuitive Eating:

* It can help you lose weight slowly but permanently while eating the foods that you love
* It stops the destructive cycle of restriction, overeating and guilt that results from dieting
* It can help restore your self-esteem and self-confidence
* It teaches you to trust your body
* It helps you discover your love of movement
* It improves your health, including cholesterol and triglyceride levels

If this approach sounds like an appealing alternative to traditional weight loss methods (dieting, excessive exercise, or more invasive strategies like “magic” pills or surgery), then I encourage you to learn more about it.  It will truly revolutionize the way you think, eat and feel!

Dieting: The Worst Way to Lose Weight

It’s a familiar scenario.  You wake up on a Monday morning after a weekend of overeating feeling sick, bloated and disgusted with yourself.  The first thought that crosses your mind is, “That’s it, I can’t do this anymore.  Time to change my ways!  Today I’m going on a diet, and I swear I’ll stick to it this time!”

With renewed hope and optimism, you start your day off with a tiny bowl of fruit and pack a lunch with some raw veggies and lean protein. But by 3 or 4 o’clock you’re famished, and the battle begins. “Should I or shouldn’t I?” The vending machine calls to you, and after struggling with the impulse to resist for what seems like an age, you make a mad dash for a bag of chips.  On your way home, you stop for a burger and fries - because who cares, you blew it anyway.

Before going to sleep, you tell yourself that tomorrow is another day, and you’ll start fresh again...

Let Go of the Struggle

If you’ve tried every diet out there, from faddish to more sensible, you know this routine all too well. And you know that it never lasts.  Sometimes you’re “good” for a week, sometimes you don’t make it past breakfast.  And if you actually manage to stick it out long enough to lose a decent amount of weight, somehow it eventually seems to creep back on.

And here’s the sad truth: 95-98% of all diets fail. If your doctor recommended a treatment with that kind of failure rate, would you eagerly rush in?  Somehow, I don’t think so.

It’s so easy to blame yourself for this neverending yo-yo cycle. After all, it’s YOU who didn’t stick to the plan, it’s YOU who gave in to your cravings, and it’s YOU who’s to blame.  But what if that wasn’t true?  What if you didn’t fail your diet, but your DIET failed you?

Diets Don’t Work

A novel idea, isn’t it?  But here are a few reasons why diets don’t work:

* The reason diets are so appealing is that they make you feel like you’re being proactive.  They give you a bunch of rules to follow with the promise that if you just stick to them, you’ll lose the weight.  But just like any other plan based on optimism and hope alone, the excitement eventually wears off, and so does your motivation.

* The diet mentality is a temporary state of mind, not a way of life.  When you say, “I’m going on a diet,” you’re not trying to make incremental changes.  You’re entering “diet mode,” which is not a sustainable way of living.

* Diets don’t address the causes of weight gain, just the symptoms (the weight itself, and the calories in/calories out balance).  But there are a lot of reasons people overeat that have nothing to do with eating a “sensible diet.” Emotional eating, stress eating, mindless grazing are just a few of the causes of excess weight.

Diets Can Be Harmful to Your Health

If the only problem with diets was that they didn’t work, it might not be so bad.  But research has consistently shown that diets can in fact be hazardous to your health, both physical and mental.

* They turn on “primal hunger.” Diets are essentially a set of rules about what you can and cannot eat, and whenever we feel restricted, our inner “deprivation meter” goes on high alert.  Whether the deprivation is real (in the form of too few calories to sustain you) or perceived (that feeling you get when you aren’t allowed something), it sets off that ravenous feeling of primal hunger that screams, “FEED ME!” This usually results in backlash eating, binging, or otherwise “cheating.” Over the long term, this creates a vicious cycle of guilt, self-loathing and obsessive thinking about food.

* Diets can actually cause you to GAIN weight. One study actually showed that 2/3 of all dieters eventually gained back more weight than they originally lost.  In the author’s words, “dieting is a significant predictor of weight gain.”

* They contribute to the development of eating disorders. Another study showed that preteens who had been on a diet were 12 times more likely than their non-dieting counterparts to develop binge eating problems by the time they were in their late teens.

If I Don’t Diet, How Will I Lose Weight?

With all this evidence against dieting, it would make sense to stop the insanity and find a better way.  And of course it’s important to eat sensibly and exercise.  But an excessive focus on counting calories and restricting yourself is not going to work. So what WILL work?

Looking at the missing ingredient: your relationship with food. In order for your weight to change, so do your thoughts, feelings and actions around food.  And the best way to do that is to develop an intuitive, or mindful approch to eating.  Stay tuned for next month’s article to learn more about this approach and how it can help transform your eating for good.

Setting New Year’s Resolutions That Work

It’s January 1st.  Karen wakes up past noon, feeling groggy and bloated from too much drinking and eating at last night’s party.  As she slowly gets up, she stares at her pudge, feeling that it has ballooned exponentially over the holidays.  Disgusted with herself, she vows that THIS will be the year that she finally loses weight, gets back into her skinny jeans (which have long since gone out of fashion) and becomes a fitness buff.

Full of resolve, she vows to eat nothing but celery sticks and carrots when she gets the munchies, to prepare the elaborate meals from that diet book she bought for New Year’s Resolution 2001, and to get to the gym 5 days a week.

That very night, she slips up and finishes the box of Christmas cookies from her mother.  A week later, she finally gets up the courage to go to the gym, which is crowded with other Resolvers.  After waiting 15 minutes for a machine, she feels exhausted after her 10 minute workout (with the machine set to Level 1!).  Defeated, discouraged, and without energy, she goes home to a bucket of ice cream; things were fine just the way they were.

Sound familiar?

What went wrong?

* Her motivation to lose weight was motivated by disgust and fear, not a desire to take care of herself.  This always leads to guilty failure, a sense of disappointing yourself or someone else.
* She didn’t have a specific plan; rather, she went about willy-nilly doing things she thought you’re supposed to do when you’re on a “diet” (my most loathed four-letter word).
* Whatever meagre goals she did have were completely unrealistic; one cannot subsist on carrots and celery, nor can one realistically expect to cut out all desserts and sweets.
* She didn’t have the tools and support to make her goals work.

With a lack of adequate planning, realistic goals, and support from the outside, it is difficult to make any sort of change.  And this scenario doesn’t just apply to weight management; almost any resolution that is poorly planned will result in frustration and failure.  Read on to find out the 10 steps to setting New Year’s resolutions that work.

Prepare for Succcess

First, prepare the groundwork.

1. Create a list of areas you think might need improvement. Be creative, and be ambitious.  As with any other brainstorming activity, any idea, no matter how wild, counts.  Ask yourself, “What do I really want your life to look like?” Be sure to include areas other than the physical (work, relationships, spiritual, etc.).

2. Whittle your list down to 1 or 2 major life areas. Decide what you will prioritize for now.  There is always time for more later.  Is this the year you go back to school, change careers, focus on your health?  By trying to do too much, you’ll set yourself up for overwhelm.

3. Think about why you want to make changes in those areas. What will the benefits be?  Are you motivated by a vision that excites you (being full of energy and vitality), or one that terrifies you (if you keep this up, you’ll eventually weigh 300 pounds)?  Ask yourself who you’re really changing for; yourself, or someone else?

4. Create a list of obstacles that might come up, and find specific ways to handle each one. If you know you eat well all day but can’t stop snacking after dinner, then have a backup plan.  If you never seem to have time to devote to a hobby, then create a time that you hold sacred and stick to it.

5. Ask for support. Let friends and family know about your resolution.  Be clear that nagging and pushing won’t help; instead, ask for specific ways in which they can help.  For example, ask your husband to cook dinner twice a week so you can fit in that workout after work rather than rush home to prepare dinner.

Be Smart About Goal-Setting

Next, use the S.M.A.R.T. principle to create goals that you can stick to. Goals should be:

6. Specific. The more specific the goal, the more concrete your behaviour can be.  Rather than say, “I want to have the same body I did 10 years ago,” say, “I want to lose 10 pounds.” Note that a single vision (focus on my health this year) may generate many, many specific goals (lose 10 pounds, take my vitamins, exercise 3 times a week).  Make a list of as many as you can think of.

7. Measureable. Goals that are measurable are trackable.  And if they’re trackable you can always be on top of your progress.  And when you’re always on top of your progress, you’ll be able to figure out what’s keeping you stuck, and congratulate yourself when you’ve reached a milestone.

8. Attainable. Please, be realistic!  You are never going to wear those skin-tight, acid-wash jeans that you wore when you were 16.  Just admit it to yourself and move on.  Instead, pick a goal that is a bit of a stretch but not something that will overwhelm you.  If your idea of exercise is cleaning the bathroom, then resolving to become a gym buff isn’t going to work.  A more realistic goal would be to try a yoga class and walk for a total of 30 minutes a week (until you become fitter and the goals can increase).

9. Relevant. This brings us back to the previous section.  The goals you set need to fit within the vision you have for your life; they need to be for no one’s benefit but your own.  They have to be something you can feel excited about.  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe those 5 extra pounds don’t actually matter to you?  Maybe what you really want to accomplish this year is developing a new skill or hobby, or improve your marriage.

10. Timely. This doesn’t just refer to setting deadlines for your goals (e.g., “Lose 10 pounds in 3 months").  It also means focusing on developing new habits.  Resolutions aren’t just quick fixes, things that you’ll do temporarily until “something changes.” True change requires a lifetime commitment.  When you were a toddler, your parents diligently taught you to brush your teeth.  Now, you have to do the same for yourself.  As they say, a new habit takes 21 days to form.  One way to make changes that stick is to develop a new habit every week (or every 21 days).  Take those goals that you listed in Step 6 and set a timeline for when you’ll incorporate each one into your lifestyle.  For example, the first week you might resolve to drink at least six glasses of water each day; the second week, you’ll get 30 minutes of physical activity per week; the third, you’ll try to stop eating when you’re full; and so on.  Slow and steady wins the race!

With these 10 steps in hand, you have a recipe to start 2009 off on the right foot! 

What a diet really is

In my book, a diet is anything that tells you what, when or how much to eat, no matter how sensible. It is based on something external.  It is not based on what your body is telling you it wants or needs.  Don’t be fooled by weight loss programs that claim not to be diets - if it tells you to do anything other than trust your instincts, it’s a diet.

“Diet” is a four-letter word

I recently started reading “Intuitive Eating” by Evelyne Tribole and Elyse Resch. In it, they list the multiple reasons that dieting doesn’t work.  They discuss how we have become a nation obsessed with dieting, weight and body image concerns.  While this is nothing new, they do make the point that all this talk of dieting is contributing to our weight problems by overemphasizing the what we “should” be eating instead of learning to listen to our body’s own hunger signals.

This reminded me of another book I read recently, “French Women Don’t Get Fat” where author Mireille Guiliano states that American women are obsessed with dieting and talking about their own weight problems. She says that in France, it is considered tacky and impolite to discuss such matters in front of others, except with your doctor if health is an issue.  I found that so refreshing, because it seems that whenever women get together, half the conversation is focused on how fat they’ve been feeling lately, what they shouldn’t be eating but will “indulge” themselves with this time, what they’ve been doing to lose weight, how it’s been working/not working.  Phew!  Talk about exhausting.

Next time you’re out with friends or family I dare you to completely refuse to talk about dieting, the “evils” of food, your body, or your exercise routine (or lack thereof). Don’t say anything self-deprecating (I look terrible in these jeans!), don’t comment on your conflicted feelings about your food (I shouldn’t be eating this but it tastes so good!) or how full you feel.  And if anyone else gets started, politely excuse yourself from engaging in the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “I would prefer to discuss something else if you don’t mind.” They’ll get the hint. 

Treat the water, not the fish

I came across a quote today in one of the ezines I subscribe to.

“...when you have a pet fish that’s sick, you treat the water—NOT the fish.”

-Artemis Limpert

This really struck a chord with me because so often when there’s a problem, we tend to try to fix ourselves, rather than take a look at what could be changed in our environment.  This is especially true for people to struggle with their weight - “if I’m fat, it must be my fault.” So you try to diet, fix your bad attitude, force yourself to exercise, etc., etc.  And when it doesn’t work, who gets the blame?  You do, of course.

What about trying to see what’s not working in your environment? Maybe your job is really stressful, which leads to to overeat even when you’re not hungry.  Reduce your stress level and watch your cravings diminish.  If you tend to pig out in front of the TV at night, stop buying junk food.  I don’t keep it in the house because if it’s there, I’ll eat it.  How often will you actually leave the house to go and get a bag of chips just because you feel like snacking?

Another part of your environment you might want to think about is the amount of support in your life. Make those around you aware of your efforts to lead a healthier lifestyle, so that they can support you as you make small changes.  And when things don’t go perfectly, they can be there for you to encourage you to keep going.  They’re not always going to know what you need, so you need to ask.  Other forms of support can include fitness groups, online support groups, or professional support in the form of a personal trainer, nutritionist, wellness coach, or therapist.

Also be aware of what your emotional, mental and spiritual environment looks like. If you live with a lot of negativity, whether from those around you or from yourself (those inner critics never stop, do they?), try to include more positive influences in your life.  These can include reading inspirational books or articles, starting a gratitude journal, listening to motivational audio books or music that relaxes you, or meditating.

Remember, if you treat the water, the fish WILL get better.