Shedding Layers: The Key to Bringing Out Your Best Self

With spring in full swing, many people are ready to shake off the heaviness of winter. Yes, it means you can now go outside and play, but it also means you can’t do it while hiding behind your winter clothes.  Shame, self-loathing, and a sense of panic to lose weight NOW are only further fuelled by those ads urging you to “get ready for bikini season.” Well, what if you didn’t have succumb to those pleas to “melt away layers of fat” - what if there was a better way?

Now is the perfect time to start thinking about shedding more than just your winter coat and that extra weight. Instead of focusing just on losing weight, think about the internal layers that need to be shed so that your inner “happy and healthy” self can break free!

The Layers that Keep Us Stuck

Here are some of the different levels of layers that make us who we are (from the outside in):

Physical layers:

* Stuff: a lot of household clutter is a sure sign that you’re hanging on to a lot of “stuff.” The things we keep are often tied to the past and future, not the present.  We either can’t get rid of an item because it reminds us of something from our past, or hold onto it because it might be useful in the future ("I’ll get around to it some day!").  Either way, you end up feeling buried and trapped by it.

* Clothing: our personal sense of style (or lack thereof!) makes a statement about how we want people to see us.  We can either let our beauty shine through, or stay hidden behind drab, lifeless or baggy clothes.

* Weight: although we can’t change our bodies the way we can change our clothes, the amount of weight we carry can act as both as a statement (stick-thin ideals be d*mned!) and as a self-protective barrier.  While almost no one chooses to be overweight, it can sometimes, paradoxically, be a comforting place to hide.

Psychological layers:

* Habits: these are ways of doing things that provide a sense of structure and routine (and of course, safety).  The foods you consistently choose and the activities that fill your days are what create your reality.

* Limiting beliefs and attitudes: most of us are the prisoners of our own minds.  All that self-talk about what you can and cannot do, what you deserve, and what you are capable of, again, create your reality.

* Fear and doubt: these are the powerful allies of our limiting beliefs.  They say, “Stop!  This is unsafe!  Don’t you dare change a thing.” But if you don’t push through those feelings, you’ll never experience the exhilaration of expanding your world.

* Social layers: we all have different masks we wear in different social situations.  Some of these are appropriate and necessary, but sometimes you might find yourself rigidly attached to those social masks and unable to be yourself.

* Spiritual layers: these include the deepest layers of who we truly are and what we believe our place in the world is.  When we are disconnected from the flow and beauty that life has to offer, it’s time to examine the barriers we’ve put up around us.

How to Shed Those Layers

There are a few steps you can choose from to start peeling back the layers.  See which ones resonate most with you.

* Start on the outside.  Are there some changes you can make to your personal sense of style to reflect who you’d like to be?  Adding more colour, using accessories and dressing your best can go a long way in boosting your self-confidence.
* Examine your habits.  Remember that the flipside to safety is stuckness.  Are there things you do repetitively because they feel comfortable and safe?  Trying something new or different can help you stretch out of your comfort zone.
* Pay attention to your self-talk.  Are there things you are saying to yourself that are keeping you stuck, unhappy or overweight?  Try challenging those statements or developing new ones to replace them.
* Experiment with being yourself and speaking your truth more often. While scary, you might find yourself feeling more liberated than ever!

As you shed each layer, you uncover the truth of who you are.  And as that happens, you’ll find yourself feeling the joy of living your best life, and wanting to take care of the body that houses that person.  The focus will shift from trying to lose weight to letting it simply drop away as the inner layers keeping you trapped fall away themselves.

In my work, my greatest joy is seeing my clients have a breakthrough moment. Some old habit or limiting belief gets discovered and let go, like an article of clothing that no longer fits.  As they take a moment to process how profoundly their lives have changed in that one instant, I know that we have accomplished something great: the unique and beautiful person I could see beneath all the layers has finally come to life.

The Importance of Self-Love

The legend of Narcissus tells of a young boy who, upon seeing his reflection in a clear fountain with water like silver, fell hopelessly in love with himself. Unable to tear his gaze away from his reflection, he could not eat, could not sleep, until finally, he pined away and died.

Unfortunately, the myth of Narcissus is too often our concept of self-love. We believe that if we love ourselves, we are selfish and self-centered, that falling in love with self means conceit and self-absorption. In fact, the opposite is true. Self-love is an honoring of the self that requires a high degree of independence and courage. The love we give others will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves.

The Problem with not Loving Yourself

A lack of self-love is a sign of low self-esteem or self-worth and shows its face in many ways: a refusal to enjoy life, workaholism, perfectionism, procrastination, emotional eating, guilt, and shame. Those who lack self-love avoid commitments, stay in destructive relationships, and fail to experience true intimacy with anyone. They practice negative self-talk, compare themselves with others, compete with others, caretake others and fail to take care of themselves. Unlike Narcissus, when they look in a mirror, they turn away.

The primary difference in those who practice self-love and those who don’t is their belief about themselves. “Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence,” said Nathaniel Branden in his book on self-esteem, “Honoring the Self.”

The Gift of Self-Love

Unable to love ourselves, we are our own harshest critics, fault finders, nay-sayers and naggers. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can do to me what I have not already done to myself.” And just the opposite is true, too. We can be our own heroes, nurturers, lovers and champions.

Acting from authentic self-love, people are gentle, attentive and kind to themselves. They develop their gifts and talents and live according to the values and standards they have set for themselves. Theirs is a beauty that shines from within; they laugh readily and are at ease in the world. Theirs is not a conceit, but a sureness of self. “To honor the self,” Branden said, “is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.”

So to answer the question, “What does self-love have to do with it?”

Everything.

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

How to Be Less of a Perfectionist and Enjoy Life More

This is the second of a series of two articles that explore the dynamics of perfectionism. In my last article, you learned what perfectionism is and why people develop the need to do things perfectly. In this one, you will learn how to change your perfectionist behaviors and enable yourself to be more satisfied with yourself and your life.

You will have the greatest success if you read the first article and take some time to observe your own perfectionist patterns. Once you have accomplished that, choose a few of the strategies outlined here. Keep working at it until you understand what you need to do to accept your imperfections and humanness.

Create a Support Network for Yourself

Seek out people who are not perfectionists. Encourage your support network to not be rigid or moralistic in their attempts to keep you on an honest course. Look for people who forgive and forget when mistakes, failures, offenses, or backsliding occur. Ask them to tell you when they think you are being rigid, unrealistic, or idealistic in your behavior. Ask them to give you positive reinforcement for any positive change, no matter how small. Seek out people who have a sincere interest in your personal growth.

Do Some Self-Exploration

Explore the following questions in your journal, print this out and make some notes here, or discuss them with a trusted friend or professional counselor:

1. Where do you see perfectionististic behavior in your life?





2. How do these behaviors create problems for you?





3. What perfectionistic beliefs do you have?





4. How do you think these beliefs will affect your ability to change your behavior?






5. What do you need to do to become less of a perfectionist and be more relaxed about things?

6. How can you use your support system to help yourself be less of a perfectionist?

Identify Alternative Behaviors

Make a list of specific perfectionist behaviors that you want to change. For each one, think of something specific you could do instead. For example:

* Perfectionistic behavior: I have to be “perfect” in my diet, eating only what’s “approved,” and can never cheat or slip up.

* Alternative behavior: I can try to incorporate as many healthy meals and snacks as I can, and enjoy a few treats now and then.

Note your own examples here: 




Perfectionist behaviors: 




Alternative behaviors: 

Lower Your Expectations

It is very important to understand that it is unrealistic to expect to change your behavior (or someone else’s) immediately or completely.  Give yourself time and permission to be less than ideal.

Make a List of the Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Perfect

You may find that perfection is too costly. Perhaps you will discover that relationship problems, endless working, and other compulsive behaviors (eating disorders and substance abuse problems) are too high a price for the results you gain from your perfectionist way of being. Can you think of any other disadvantages of being perfect?  Do they outweigh the advantages?

Pay Attention to Your Behavior and Attitudes

As you see yourself behaving in a perfectionist way, take note. In the beginning, just observe yourself. Keep a log if it helps you see your behavior more clearly. You don’t have to make any changes until you have a good idea of your specific behaviors and thoughts.

Try Some New Thoughts and Behaviors

Begin to substitute the alternative behaviors you identified earlier. If possible, ask someone from your support network for feedback. Observe your feelings and thoughts as you try new things.

Review Your Goals and Make Sure They Are Realistic

By having achievable, realistic goals, you will gradually see that less-than-perfect results are not as disastrous as you thought they would be.  Take a step-by-step approach to bigger, or more difficult goals.  For example, if you think you should lose 40 pounds, start with an initial weight loss goal of 10 pounds.  Once you achieve that smaller goal, try another 10 pounds.  You may find that after losing 20 or 30 pounds, you have reached a weight and body shape that is sustainable and satisfying.

Set Strict Time Limits for Your Projects

When the time is up, move on to another task or take a break. I find a timer is especially helpful in keeping track of time and giving you full permission to focus on the task at hand without worrying what time it is.

Make Friends with Criticism

Many perfectionists take criticism personally and respond defensively. If someone criticizes you when you make a mistake, the easiest thing to do is to simply admit it. Remind yourself that you are human, meaning you will sometimes make mistakes. The people who never make mistakes are no longer learning or growing.

Learn to re-frame criticism and see it as information you can learn from. When you let go of the fantasy that humans must be perfect to have value in this world, you are less likely to feel angry or embarrassed when you make a mistake. You will see that criticism is information that you can learn from, and you will no longer need to avoid it.

Managing Perfectionism

This is the first of two articles that address perfectionism. In this one, we will explore what perfectionism is and why it is destructive. In the second one, we will take a look at some strategies for both controlling the need to be perfect and living a more relaxed, satisfying life.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not allow themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on the alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and others. They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for deviations from the rules or the norm.

Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated by self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection. The high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.

Causes and Characteristics

* Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist believes that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always perfect, so she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at all.
* Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that if he is successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it up. This becomes a heavy burden--who wants to operate at such a high level all of the time?
* Low self-esteem. A perfectionists need for love and approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of others. This makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy relationships with others.
* Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can’t be done perfectly, it’s not worth doing.
* Extreme determination. Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also true of high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the result of his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing the achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his downfall because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging his heroic efforts.

The Costs of Being a Perfectionist

Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it might provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and becoming so rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can produce contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs include the following:

* Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a cause of perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a perfectionist never feels good enough about himself or his personal performance, he usually feels like a loser or a failure.
* Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can easily develop a negative attitude.
* Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged and depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know that it is impossible to reach the ideal.
* Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle things well. They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a result.
* Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have everything meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack spontaneity.
* Lack of motivation. A person who expects perfection may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she thinks that she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, she may begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears that she will never reach her goal.
* Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an intense fear of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. Writers who suffer from writer"s block are examples of the perfectionist’s paralysis.
* Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain order or structure in his life, he may become overly focused on details and rules.
Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk behaviors.
* Eating disorders. Many studies have determined that perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop eating disorders.

The Perfectionist versus The High Achiever

People produce many of their best achievements when they are striving to do their best. High achievers, like perfectionists, want to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike perfectionists, high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking failure are part of the achievement process--and part of being human.

Emotionally Healthy High Producers

You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

* Set standards that are high but achievable.
* Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
* Recover from disappointment quickly.
* Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of failure.
* View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.
* React positively to constructive feedback.

Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect yourself to be perfect, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these perfectionist behaviors as you observe them.

The power of positive affirmations

Although some of you may have heard of positive affirmations, you may not be sure exactly what they are or what they can do for you.  In a nutshell, they can be an extremely powerful tool to challenge and overcome the negative beliefs that hold you back.  In this article, I explain what positive affirmations are, why they can help you, and how to implement them in a simple 3-step plan.

How Negative Beliefs Limit You

I’d like you think about an area in your life that you are struggling with.  Perhaps you’ve been unable to progress in your career, or have been trying to lose the same 10 pounds (or more) for the last several years.  It is very likely that part of what’s holding you back is a belief system that limits you.  For example, perhaps deeps down inside you believe that you don’t deserve that promotion, or that you deserve to be thinner.

The tricky thing with negative beliefs is that we are often unaware that we have them. And because they are outside of our conscious awareness, they become all the more dangerous, sneaking their way into our thoughts.  If you truly believe that you do not deserve to be happy or healthy, then you will unwittingly sabotage yourself each time you are faced with a new opportunity for growth.  Those who have tried to diet and failed many times over know how true this can be; each new attempt to lose weight results in frustration and hopelessness.

Negative beliefs work their dark magic in three ways. First, they do not allow you to progress beyond their upper limits.  You can only be as happy or healthy as your beliefs will allow you, not more.  Second, they attract people and situations that confirm them.  If you believe that you have no control over food, then each time you overeat will simply be a confirmation of that truth.  You will also attract people who reinforce your identity as an overweight person.  Third, they lead you to discount situations or behaviours that are incompatible with the negative belief.  If you manage to lose five pounds, you’ll tell yourself it’s only a matter of time until you gain them back.

The beliefs that we hold create our realities. Therefore, to change your reality you must change your beliefs.  Positive affirmations help us to just that.

How Positive Affirmations Work

A positive affirmation is an expression of your deepest desire. It is oriented towards producing an external reality that reflects your dreams, wishes and goals.  They are designed to challenge the beliefs that limit you.

Remember having to write lines on the blackboard in elementary school when you got in trouble? (I, of course, was a perfectly behaved child so I know nothing of this.) That’s exactly how positive affirmations work.  It’s likely that your negative beliefs, wherever they came from (messages given to us by others, hard lessons we learned in life, etc.), have been repeated unconsciously over and over for years.  And to replace them, new beliefs must be repeated over and over until they become just as deeply rooted.

The beauty of positive affirmations is that they can help you uncover negative beliefs you didn’t even know you had. And until they become conscious, you can’t challenge and overcome them.  You’ll see what I mean in Step 2 below.

Putting Positive Affirmations Into Action*

Be sure to put aside at least 15 minutes for this exercise.  Go somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed.  You’ll need to be able to concentrate fully.

1. The first step in your positive affirmation exercise is to create the affirmation itself.  The affirmation should be about the one thing that you need in your life that you are struggling to achieve.  Some examples:

* “I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been.”
* “I am bounding with energy to achieve the goals I have set for myself.”
* “I have the skills and the motivation to move up in my career.”
* “I create a relationship that fulfills and nourishes me.”

Here are some guidelines to help you create an effective affirmation:

* Use positive language ("I am slim,” not “I’m not fat")
* Use the present tense ("I am slim” not “I will be slim")
* Focus on changes in yourself, not others
* It should force you out of your comfort zone, and be slightly on the unbelievable side ("I am bounding with energy” not “I have enough energy")
* Keep it short

2. Next, pull out a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. On the left hand side, write out your positive affirmation over and over, line by line.  Concentrate fully on what you are doing.  Start listening very carefully to the little voices that pop up.  At first, you may not notice them, but you might be surprised at what comes up.  They’ll usually be saying something like, “I can’t,” “I don’t want to,” “I’ll never,” “Yes, but.” Don’t react to these voices, just observe them and write them down in the right hand column as they come up.  Continue writing out your affirmation until the page is full.

3. The third step involves challenging your negative beliefs. Turn your page over and again, divide it in two.  One by one, write out the negative beliefs that came up and deal with them using the 3 R’s:

* Refute them: be objective and try to find evidence that is counter to the belief.  For example, if “I’m too lazy to lose weight” comes up, look for other goals in your life that you aren’t too lazy to achieve.
* Replace them: write out the opposite, positive statement.  For example, “I don’t deserve to be thin” becomes “I, just like everyone else, deserve to be thin.”
* Run through them: by repeating the positive affirmation over and over, eventually your mind will get tired of protesting.

Do this exercise daily for 30 days and watch what happens. You might start noticing changes almost immediately, but to get the full effect, you must give it time and be consistent.  This really does work, but if you find it difficult to get in touch with your limiting beliefs or uncover beliefs that are disturbing to you, you may want to consider reaching out to someone that can help.

* This exercise has been adapted from Lynne Grodzki’s “Building Your Ideal Private Practice.”

If I lose the weight, I’ll be happy

I read a nice little post today by Oprah’s personal trainer, Bob Greene: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200708/omag_200708_worry_101.jhtml

In it, he describes the familiar pattern that a lot of people who struggle with their weight get sucked into: “If only I could lose X pounds, I’d be happier.” Think about whether you’ve ever had this thought, consciously or subconsciously.  If so, does it help motivate you?  Or does the fear of actually losing the weight and then not being happy hold you back?  What can you do today to actually be happier, whether or not you actually lose the weight?