Fat Talk: Social Bonding or Socially Damaging?

Fat Talk.  If you’re a woman, you know what this is.  It happens when you get together with girlfriends.  It’s usually at its worst if you bump into someone on a “bad hair day,” (or what I like to call, more aptly, a “bad body image day").  The conversation starts innocently enough, with friendly small talk, but inevitably one of you compliments the other on “how great she looks.” Both of you know this has nothing to do with her outfit, but with how slim you perceive the other to be.

Thus begins the volley of self-deprecating remarks.  “Gosh, I feel so fat these days, I don’t know how you manage to stay so slim.” This is met with, “Lord no, you think I look skinny?  I look so gross today, I ate like a pig at lunch.  You’re delusional!” And back and forth, with each defending her position as the fat one, and complimenting the other on how great she looks.

What’s really going on here?  What’s Fat Talk really about?  And do you realize how damaging it can really be?

The Purpose of Fat Talk

There are a few factors at play here, some of which perpetuate the diet mentality and contribute to the maintenance of body image and eating disorders.

1. The social acceptability of Fat Talk.  When ”French Women Don’t Get Fat” by Mireille Guiliano first came out (this was before I specialized in this area), I remember being very clearly impressed by the author’s statement that in France (and Europe more generally), it’s considered in bad taste to comment on one’s own weight or eating habits.  However, in North America, women regularly engage in Fat Talk as a bonding activity, putting themselves down as a way to appear humble, and exchanging tips and tricks on losing weight.

That radically shifted my mindset about engaging in Fat Talk, and I became much more conscious about abstaining from these kinds of conversations with friends.  Many people find this notion to be difficult, as perhaps entire friendships are based on relating in this way.  It can be considered rude to fail to respond to these kinds of statements, but you might find it helpful to remember that by not engaging in Fat Talk, you’re showing respect for yourself and for your friend.

Saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling comfortable with your body these days, if you need support in dealing with your feelings about that I’m here to talk about it,” will go a long way in stopping fat talk short.  This is because you’re not playing along with the game expected of you, which is to deny your friend’s “excess weight,” and are rather focusing on the reality of what she’s saying, which is that she’s struggling with her body image.  This is the meaning of being a true friend.

2. The displacement of negative feelings onto one’s own body.  One of the more insidious purposes of Fat Talk is to take negative feelings about something in your life and “displace” them, or shift them onto, something more socially acceptable to attack.  Very often eating and body image disorders have at their root more serious feelings of depression or trauma.  By making your body the problem, you don’t have to deal with more painful feelings that are less obvious and concrete.  Fat Talk only reinforces this notion and neglects to deal with the more serious underlying issues.

A more dangerous version of this concept is when Fat Talk is really a veiled expression of aggression.  Maybe you’re feeling jealous of your friend’s apparent “perfect life;” without even trying, she seems to have it all, from a perfect body to a perfect job.  Or maybe you’ve been feeling unhappy about some aspect of the friendship lately.  Sometimes engaging in Fat Talk is a way to avoid having to deal with these unresolved conflicts, putting on a “happy face” as you gush about your friend’s lovely figure while really feeling inadequate, uncared for, or angry.  If you’re dissatisfied with the friendship, figure out whether it’s worth saving, and if so, approach your friend with compassion and openness to address some of these hidden feelings.  You might find that a deepening of the relationship can follow.

3. The mistaken belief that fat talk will make you feel better.  A recent study (http://bit.ly/dTSVsL) showed that over half of the people who participated believed that Fat Talk helped them feel better about their bodies.  On the surface, it might make sense that expressing shame and dissatisfaction about one’s body, which typically elicits reassurance from others, would serve that purpose.  In fact, the opposite is true: it usually tends to increase body dissatisfaction, and researchers have long known that reassurance-seeking only increases the need for ever more reassurance from others.  True body satisfaction comes from within, not from the judgments of others.  In addition, regularly engaging in Fat Talk reinforces the diet mentality, and contributes to the internalization of the ultrathin ideal.

If you’re truly feeling unhappy about your body shape or size, and feel the need to talk about it, getting support from friends can be helpful.  However, because Fat Talk is so widespread in our culture, you’ll need to be responsible for asking your friends for the kind of support you need.  This might mean saying something like, “I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with my body for some time now, and I could use a friend to talk to.  But I’m going to ask you not to tell me I look fine, or tell me if I’m so unhappy about it I should just go on a diet.  I just want someone to listen non-judgmentally while I figure out how I want to deal with this.” You might be surprised at how much of a relief this will be to your friend as well, as most women often feel poorly-equipped to give support for a topic so personal and shame-laden.  Of course, if you don’t feel comfortable opening up to friends, or if the support you need is more serious than what a friend can offer, don’t hesitate in seeking professional help.

The Straight Facts on Body Image

Although most of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t like ("my nose could be smaller,” “my thighs could be thinner"), for some people, dealing a negative body image is a part of daily life.  The media’s obsession with dieting, and with thin, rich celebrities, certainly contributes to the problem.  However, each of us is ultimately responsible for refusing to participate in this superficial obsession and learning to love ourselves the way we are. Read on to learn more about body image problems and how to overcome them.

What is Body Image?

The scientist in me wants to say that the true definition of body image is the brain’s representation of of the body’s sensory system and internal sense of having a body.  This internal “body image” changes as we grow, especially in childhood and adolescence.  That partly explains why teenagers can be so klutzy and awkward, because their bodies are growing faster than their brains can keep up with.

However, most of us define body image as how we evaluate ourselves. Aside from feeling like we have a body, most of us have an opinion about our bodies.  Those with a healthy body image may have a couple of areas they think need improvement, but generally, they feel good about the way they look and are able to enjoy and appreciate their bodies.  Those who struggle with their weight very often have a negative body image. They feel fat, ugly, and unloveable.  They think others judge them harshly, and they shy away from certain social situations.

In extreme cases, a person’s body image can be so distorted that it can lead to serious problems. Here, the negative self-evaluation reaches painful levels, and often there is a huge distortion in how these people see themselves.  To others, they may look just fine, but they grossly misjudge the size or attractiveness of certain parts of their bodies.  This is a cardinal feature of some psychological disorders, like Body Dysmorphic Disorder and some Eating Disorders.  These are serious problems that require professional attention, and shouldn’t be dismissed as a sign that the person is “superficial” or “conceited.”

Signs of Negative Body Image

Worried that you or someone you know might have a problem with body image?  Some of the signs are listed below:

* You constantly compare your appearance with others.
* You refuse to let your picture be taken, or are extremely self-conscious in photos.
* You keep checking a certain body part that you think is flawed (e.g., your nose or belly).
* You measure the flaw frequently (e.g., weighing yourself).
* You attempt to hide your flaws.
* You feel anxious and self-conscious around other people.
* You call yourself names: “hideous,” “ugly,” and “disgusting.”

In addition, the following are signs of Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

* You avoid leaving the house unless you absolutely have to. Body Dysmorphic Disorder limits your social and love life.
* You spend hours getting ready, often applying and reapplying makeup several times, or fixing a strand of hair that doesn’t quite go where you want it to.
* You seek frequent and repetitive cosmetic surgery, and often aren’t happy with the results.
* More frequent in men: you weight train excessively, never feeling satisfied with the size or shape of your muscles.

If you suffer from debilitating levels of negative body image, and suspect you might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder or an Eating Disorder, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. You don’t need to feel this way; there is good help available out there.

How to Feel Better About Your Body

If you think you could use some help in the body image department, there are lots of ways you can learn to love your body.  Here are a few:

* Stop watching TV (see my blog post on my decision to go this extreme route).  I have no idea what’s in the theatres, what brands are hot, and who recently gained 10 pounds, and guess what, I don’t care!  This applies to magazines and other forms of superficial media as well.
* Make a list of all the things you like about your body. Really get into it!  Undress in front of the mirror (soft lighting helps!), and look at yourself through different (more accepting, and loving) eyes.
* Get rid of the clothes that make you feel ugly.  Only wear clothes that fit you well and play up your great features.  Experiment with new styles and accessories.  A stylist can help you decide which cuts, styles and fabrics look best on your body (check my Resources page for some recommendations).
* Stop comparing yourself to others. Maybe that thin girl over there is desperately unhappy and starves herself all day to look that way.  Is that how you want to measure your self-worth?
* Rediscover the pleasure in sensual activities.  Yes, that might mean making love, but it also includes moving in ways that make you feel alive.  Dancing, yoga, and exercise all make you feel more fluid and energized.  Strength training is especially effective in helping you focus your attention mindfully on what makes your body work, leading to a greater appreciation of yourself, a feeling of strength and power, and of course, a toned and sculpted body.
* Smile at yourself every time you look in the mirror.  Hard to do at first, but works like a charm, especially right before you walk out the door!
* Pamper yourself regularly.  Use lotions and soaps that smell delicious, take lovely bubblebaths, and have a spa day (at home or not) every so often.  Do little things to make yourself feel gorgeous (paint your toenails, try a new hairdo, or put on that outfit that makes you feel great).

Remember, you can’t change the media, but you can choose what you pay attention to and how you feel about yourself.  Learn to love yourself the way you are, and be the best you can be right now. Tomorrow is another day, and today is all you’ve got!