Managing the Stress in Your Life

Stress.  We all have it, some more than others.  A little bit of stress keeps you on your toes, but too much of it can leave you feeling depleted and helpless.  Some are better able to manage the negative effects of stress, buffering themselves against future health problems.  This article is all about learning to deal with stress in a healthy, constructive way.

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1.  Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2.  Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3.  Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4.  Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.
5.  Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

Eating and Stress

If you struggle with emotional eating, you know how tightly linked the two are.  One way to get a handle on emotional eating is to manage stress better.  In addition, you can also manage your stress better by eating well. 

6.  Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:
• Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.
• Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.
• Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.
• Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.
• Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

7.  Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8.  Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation and progressive relaxation are two valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.

Take Action

What’s one action you can commit to, right now?  Make an appointment with yourself to spend time doing something that helps you de-stress, like taking a walk, painting your toenails, or just lying on your bed listening to music (something we forgot how to do after high school). 

Simplify your life

With fall just around the corner, kids back in school, and vacations come and gone, September is a great month to take stock of what goals you want to achieve this year.  As part of that process, paring back on time wasters can help you realign your personal values and priorities.  If your life feels like it’s overscheduled, overcluttered and just plain overwhelming, you aren’t going to stay focused on what’s really important to you.  It’s time to simplify your life!

Most people say they want to simplify their lives because they feel like they have lost control of their time. They want to have more time to do the things they want to do, both at work and at home. Every few weeks, there is another newspaper or magazine story about how people feel that they aren’t spending their time on things they enjoy. A recent poll, for example, found that 65% of people are spending their free time doing things they’d rather not do. Isn’t that amazing? It’s great if you have created a full and interesting life for yourself, but how frustrating if you don’t have the time to enjoy it!

The 80/20 Principle

The 80/20 Principle, first stated by Vilfredo Pareto in 1897, says that 20% of our effort produces 80% of the results. This means that a small number of resources are highly productive - and a large number (80%) are not very productive at all. Here are a few examples:

* 20% of the things in your house are used 80% of the time.
* 80% of the things in your house are used 20% of the time.
* 20% of your activities give you 80% of your satisfaction.
* 20% of the stocks in an investor’s portfolio produce 80% of the results.
* 20% of the books in a bookstore account for 80% of the sales.

The challenge is to identify those few vital items that produce the greatest value for you. Focus on the activities that result in satisfaction, such as money, better health, or more free time. At the same time, identify those many trivial items that don’t lead to things like satisfaction, money, better health, or more free time. These unprofitable activities are taking up 80% of your time. Doesn’t it make sense to deemphasize them in favor of the vital 20%?

Making Time Takes Time

The first challenge to simplifying your life is that it takes an investment of time. If you want to discover how to make time for the things you enjoy, you have to examine how you are spending your time now. If you keep living your life the same way you always have, it will stay complicated.

For some, the excuse, “I can’t slow down because everything is important,” is a way to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see: a relationship that is no longer fulfilling, a job that no longer satisfies, an emotional distance that has emerged between them and their family members. Some people keep their lives going at a furious pace to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see.

If you really do want to simplify your life, you will make the time. You don’t have to do anything radical; in fact, it is best to start small. Set aside just 30 minutes each day for a week. During that time, ask yourself a simple question: “What are the elements that contribute to my life feeling so complicated?” Make a list of the factors in your journal and write about them. Begin to think about what can be changed or eliminated.

Finding this time is not as impossible as it may seem at first. Maybe you can leave work 30 minutes early for a month and use the extra time for this exploration, possibly at home. Perhaps you can take the train instead of driving, or turn off the television during the evening and write in your journal instead (see my recent blog post on this topic). Set aside 30 minutes a day for one month, ask yourself some important questions, and be prepared to learn some remarkable things about yourself.

Fewer Responsibilities

You may think that this sounds impossible. You might ask, “Who will take care of the kids, put food on the table, cook and clean and drive my ageing parents around?” These may be non-negotiable.  Or they might be delegate-able.  See which responsibilities can be passed on or shared with others.  For example, have each family member (of age) be responsible for dinner one night a week, even if it’s just sandwiches.  Ask yourself which projects, tasks, activities and other responsibilities are truly necessary.  Do you really have to mop the floor each night?  Maybe twice a week will do.  Do you really have to coach all three of your children’s soccer teams, as well as their hockey?  Pick and choose what’s really important to you, and make it clear that you only have room in your life for those responsibilities.

Learn to Say No

If you want a simpler life, you must learn to say no. In Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, author Elaine St. James says that people get into trouble because they agree to do things they really don’t have time to do. This leads to a constant state of being overcommitted and frustrated. Our culture makes it difficult for us to say no to requests to attend extra meetings, dinner engagements, or to take on new responsibilities. Many of us feel obligated to always be participating at a high level. We are proud of our high productivity and involvement, but it comes with a high price: a complicated life that leaves no time for you. St. James suggests that you actually schedule time for yourself on your calendar at the beginning of every month; when you are invited to participate in something, turn down the request because you already have a commitment.

Clear Away Clutter

Get rid of things you don’t use. Think of all the stuff you have acquired in the past five or 10 years. Most of it is designed to make life simpler, but in fact most of it brings along its own set of complications. Think of what typically happens when you buy a new electronic gadget: Consider all of the time required to earn the money to pay for it, shop for it, buy it, set it up, learn how to use it, fix the unexpected problems it causes with another gadget, and then the time you spend actually using it. Most of us have rooms in our houses filled with stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but ends up sitting on a shelf or in a drawer, unused. St. James suggests that you go through your house once each year and get rid of everything you haven’t used during the previous year.

She also has an idea for not acquiring new stuff in the first place. She suggests a technique called the 30-Day List. When you start thinking that you must have a certain product, add it to your 30-Day List and wait. At the end of 30 days, ask yourself if you really still need it. Chances are, you will have lost your enthusiasm for the product and will cross it off the list.

Take Action

What’s one action you can commit to, right now?  Decluttering you desk, your car, your bedroom closet?  Saying no at least once a week?  Making a list of what’s really important to you?  One small step begets another, you just have to get started!

Adventures in going TV-less

My husband and I have recently decided to experiment with life without TV. Partly out of practicality, and partly out of curiosity, we have decided to make a very bold move.  When our satellite TV contract was up this July, we asked ourselves whether we wanted to continue spending time and money that could be better used elsewhere.

When faced with the prospect, part of me was terrified. I’ll admit, I can be a bit of a TV addict.  I would be ashamed to tally up the number of hours I have spent watching the HGTV channel alone.  But the reality is, it wasn’t at all uncommon for me to watch a rerun of a show I had just watched weeks, days or even hours earlier.  That was when I knew I was using TV as a form of escape, and drastic measures were required.  Unfortunately, once it was on, pushing that “OFF” button was a lot harder than it looked.

There’s a reason TVs are called idiot boxes. Trapping you into a mindless trance, they provide an entertaining distraction from the real responsibilities of daily life.  However, they also deprive you of the pleasures and nurturing activities that make life worth living.  Not to mention mindless TV watching goes hand-in-hand with mindless eating.  Evenings are the worst for most (including the winter version of myself), where you can literally park yourself in front of the TV for 5 or 6 hours.  Evenings are meant to be a slow-down period of quiet reflection and socialization, preparing us for the restorative sleep of night.  Instead, TVs a-blaring and a-blazing overstimulate our senses and prevent us from spending quality time with ourselves and others.  Perhaps most insidiously of all, TV strips you of your ability to think for yourself and develop informed opinions, which suits the man in charge just fine.  Religion as the opiate of the masses?  Not anymore.

In the month and a half since going TV-less, here is what I’ve learned:

1) I can actually survive without watching Oprah and Jeopardy on a daily basis. If there’s a really important episode, www.oprah.com has a great synopsis of every show.  Or I can ask my mom to tape it.

2) The internet is a good substitute for entertainment. OK, I know, I’m already an internet addict - taking away TV just means more surf time, right?  Actually, no.  One of the other changes we’ve made is using a direct connection to the internet using an actual cable rather than a WiFi connection - that means actually going to the office to use the computer.  Before, I’d double-time by watching TV as I surfed the web on my laptop!  By compartmentalizing my space, I know that going into the office means work, or deliberately choosing to entertain myself for a set period of time.

3) More cozy time with my husband. Get your mind out of the gutter!  You’d be surprised at what spending more time together can do for your well-being.

4) I’ve reconnected with hobbies I had lost touch with. I used to be an avid fiction reader, and I find snuggling up with a good book the most delicious of indulgences.  I’ve also started knitting again, and listening to soothing music while I do it.  I’ve also started some new hobbies, like colouring mandalas (not just for kids!) when I need something to focus my energies.

5) I’ve started asking myself what really makes me happy in life, not just what distracts me from my pain.  TV, just like overeating, is a wonderful “magic pill” to make your problems disappear...until you stop watching or stop eating.  By deliberately choosing the activities in my leisure time, I’m creating the kind of life that I want and that is satisfying to me.  This is still a work in progress.

6) Because I wake up more rested, rejuvenated and restored from my leisurely evenings, my productivity has gone up during the time I actually do work.  Note that I’m not working more, just more efficiently.

7) My house is cleaner. I’m not kidding you.  I consider myself a fairly neat and tidy person, but who wants to wash dishes when I can get hooked into a Family Guy marathon?

I know that not everybody has the guts to go cold turkey like we did, but ask yourself if you really need TV. Can you afford to cut back on a few hours?  Do you have the discipline to do so?  Would you worry what people would think if you got rid of your TV?  I know that this post is a little subversive, but that’s kind of the point of writing in this blog.

33 ways to use your journal for self-discovery and self-expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. I recommend choosing something that you’ll enjoy using and that you’ll stick to: a beautiful notebook, small enough to carry with you will make it easy to write whenever the inspiration hits you. 

Alternatively, you could also use any of the free online journals out there (www.inboxjournal.com, www.my-diary.org) or free blogs (www.blogger.com, www.wordpress.org) - just be sure to set your entries to “private” so the whole world doesn’t see what you’ve written!  The online diaries also send email reminders to write in them - I love built-in nagging!

The trick to making a journal work for you is knowing what to write in it.  Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you’re not sure where to start:

1.  Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.

2.  Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

3.  Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.

4.  Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.

5.  Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.

6.  Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can’t think of any more. Then choose the top five.

7.  For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.

8.  Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.

9.  Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.

10.  Describe how your life would be different if _____________ had or had not happened.

Here are some examples:
a.  If your parents had divorced
b.  If your parents had remained married
c.  If your parents had been married
d.  If your mother hadn’t passed away
e.  If you hadn’t moved to
f.  If you had gone to college
g.  If you hadn’t gone to college
h.  If you had gone to _______ college
i.  If you had never met __________
j.  If you hadn’t broken up with __________

11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.

12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.

13. Write about your first year in high school.

14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.

15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.

16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.

17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.

18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.

19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.

20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:

a.  What your life is like now
b.  What you have learned since you were 10
c.  What you want him or her to know
d.  What you want him or her to beware of
e.  What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of

21. Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.

22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn’t appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.

23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.

24. Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.

25. Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.

26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:

a.  Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening
b.  Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening
c.  Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences

27. Write about the five things you most like to do.

28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.

29. Make a list of five places you’d like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.

30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.

31. Write a letter to your children or grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

32. Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.

33. And for those of you who struggle with emotional eating, write about what life would be like if you weren’t addicted to food, where this need to eat comes from, what you learned about food and eating while you were growing up.

34. Add your own ideas here:

__________________________________

__________________________________

__________________________________

__________________________________

__________________________________

That should be enough to get you started! Keep it up on a regular basis, and you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself.

The power of positive affirmations

Although some of you may have heard of positive affirmations, you may not be sure exactly what they are or what they can do for you.  In a nutshell, they can be an extremely powerful tool to challenge and overcome the negative beliefs that hold you back.  In this article, I explain what positive affirmations are, why they can help you, and how to implement them in a simple 3-step plan.

How Negative Beliefs Limit You

I’d like you think about an area in your life that you are struggling with.  Perhaps you’ve been unable to progress in your career, or have been trying to lose the same 10 pounds (or more) for the last several years.  It is very likely that part of what’s holding you back is a belief system that limits you.  For example, perhaps deeps down inside you believe that you don’t deserve that promotion, or that you deserve to be thinner.

The tricky thing with negative beliefs is that we are often unaware that we have them. And because they are outside of our conscious awareness, they become all the more dangerous, sneaking their way into our thoughts.  If you truly believe that you do not deserve to be happy or healthy, then you will unwittingly sabotage yourself each time you are faced with a new opportunity for growth.  Those who have tried to diet and failed many times over know how true this can be; each new attempt to lose weight results in frustration and hopelessness.

Negative beliefs work their dark magic in three ways. First, they do not allow you to progress beyond their upper limits.  You can only be as happy or healthy as your beliefs will allow you, not more.  Second, they attract people and situations that confirm them.  If you believe that you have no control over food, then each time you overeat will simply be a confirmation of that truth.  You will also attract people who reinforce your identity as an overweight person.  Third, they lead you to discount situations or behaviours that are incompatible with the negative belief.  If you manage to lose five pounds, you’ll tell yourself it’s only a matter of time until you gain them back.

The beliefs that we hold create our realities. Therefore, to change your reality you must change your beliefs.  Positive affirmations help us to just that.

How Positive Affirmations Work

A positive affirmation is an expression of your deepest desire. It is oriented towards producing an external reality that reflects your dreams, wishes and goals.  They are designed to challenge the beliefs that limit you.

Remember having to write lines on the blackboard in elementary school when you got in trouble? (I, of course, was a perfectly behaved child so I know nothing of this.) That’s exactly how positive affirmations work.  It’s likely that your negative beliefs, wherever they came from (messages given to us by others, hard lessons we learned in life, etc.), have been repeated unconsciously over and over for years.  And to replace them, new beliefs must be repeated over and over until they become just as deeply rooted.

The beauty of positive affirmations is that they can help you uncover negative beliefs you didn’t even know you had. And until they become conscious, you can’t challenge and overcome them.  You’ll see what I mean in Step 2 below.

Putting Positive Affirmations Into Action*

Be sure to put aside at least 15 minutes for this exercise.  Go somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed.  You’ll need to be able to concentrate fully.

1. The first step in your positive affirmation exercise is to create the affirmation itself.  The affirmation should be about the one thing that you need in your life that you are struggling to achieve.  Some examples:

* “I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been.”
* “I am bounding with energy to achieve the goals I have set for myself.”
* “I have the skills and the motivation to move up in my career.”
* “I create a relationship that fulfills and nourishes me.”

Here are some guidelines to help you create an effective affirmation:

* Use positive language ("I am slim,” not “I’m not fat")
* Use the present tense ("I am slim” not “I will be slim")
* Focus on changes in yourself, not others
* It should force you out of your comfort zone, and be slightly on the unbelievable side ("I am bounding with energy” not “I have enough energy")
* Keep it short

2. Next, pull out a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. On the left hand side, write out your positive affirmation over and over, line by line.  Concentrate fully on what you are doing.  Start listening very carefully to the little voices that pop up.  At first, you may not notice them, but you might be surprised at what comes up.  They’ll usually be saying something like, “I can’t,” “I don’t want to,” “I’ll never,” “Yes, but.” Don’t react to these voices, just observe them and write them down in the right hand column as they come up.  Continue writing out your affirmation until the page is full.

3. The third step involves challenging your negative beliefs. Turn your page over and again, divide it in two.  One by one, write out the negative beliefs that came up and deal with them using the 3 R’s:

* Refute them: be objective and try to find evidence that is counter to the belief.  For example, if “I’m too lazy to lose weight” comes up, look for other goals in your life that you aren’t too lazy to achieve.
* Replace them: write out the opposite, positive statement.  For example, “I don’t deserve to be thin” becomes “I, just like everyone else, deserve to be thin.”
* Run through them: by repeating the positive affirmation over and over, eventually your mind will get tired of protesting.

Do this exercise daily for 30 days and watch what happens. You might start noticing changes almost immediately, but to get the full effect, you must give it time and be consistent.  This really does work, but if you find it difficult to get in touch with your limiting beliefs or uncover beliefs that are disturbing to you, you may want to consider reaching out to someone that can help.

* This exercise has been adapted from Lynne Grodzki’s “Building Your Ideal Private Practice.”

Is laughter really the best medicine?

Experts Take the Benefits of Laughter Seriously

• Laughter decreases the amount of stress hormones in the body and increases the activity of natural killer cells that go after tumour cells.

By finding a way to laugh more, the natural chemicals in your brain that regulate mood will help even out your emotions, thus boosting your resistance to overeating on a physiological level too.

Try organizing a social event that centres on humour. Visit a local comedy club, go see a funny movie, or host a game night featuring fun board games like “Cranium” or “Twister.” Not only will this be good for you, but you can pass on the benefits to the people you care about, strengthening bonds and breaking the usual monotony of dinner and drinks.

Treat the water, not the fish

I came across a quote today in one of the ezines I subscribe to.

“...when you have a pet fish that’s sick, you treat the water—NOT the fish.”

-Artemis Limpert

This really struck a chord with me because so often when there’s a problem, we tend to try to fix ourselves, rather than take a look at what could be changed in our environment.  This is especially true for people to struggle with their weight - “if I’m fat, it must be my fault.” So you try to diet, fix your bad attitude, force yourself to exercise, etc., etc.  And when it doesn’t work, who gets the blame?  You do, of course.

What about trying to see what’s not working in your environment? Maybe your job is really stressful, which leads to to overeat even when you’re not hungry.  Reduce your stress level and watch your cravings diminish.  If you tend to pig out in front of the TV at night, stop buying junk food.  I don’t keep it in the house because if it’s there, I’ll eat it.  How often will you actually leave the house to go and get a bag of chips just because you feel like snacking?

Another part of your environment you might want to think about is the amount of support in your life. Make those around you aware of your efforts to lead a healthier lifestyle, so that they can support you as you make small changes.  And when things don’t go perfectly, they can be there for you to encourage you to keep going.  They’re not always going to know what you need, so you need to ask.  Other forms of support can include fitness groups, online support groups, or professional support in the form of a personal trainer, nutritionist, wellness coach, or therapist.

Also be aware of what your emotional, mental and spiritual environment looks like. If you live with a lot of negativity, whether from those around you or from yourself (those inner critics never stop, do they?), try to include more positive influences in your life.  These can include reading inspirational books or articles, starting a gratitude journal, listening to motivational audio books or music that relaxes you, or meditating.

Remember, if you treat the water, the fish WILL get better.