Simplify your life

With fall just around the corner, kids back in school, and vacations come and gone, September is a great month to take stock of what goals you want to achieve this year.  As part of that process, paring back on time wasters can help you realign your personal values and priorities.  If your life feels like it’s overscheduled, overcluttered and just plain overwhelming, you aren’t going to stay focused on what’s really important to you.  It’s time to simplify your life!

Most people say they want to simplify their lives because they feel like they have lost control of their time. They want to have more time to do the things they want to do, both at work and at home. Every few weeks, there is another newspaper or magazine story about how people feel that they aren’t spending their time on things they enjoy. A recent poll, for example, found that 65% of people are spending their free time doing things they’d rather not do. Isn’t that amazing? It’s great if you have created a full and interesting life for yourself, but how frustrating if you don’t have the time to enjoy it!

The 80/20 Principle

The 80/20 Principle, first stated by Vilfredo Pareto in 1897, says that 20% of our effort produces 80% of the results. This means that a small number of resources are highly productive - and a large number (80%) are not very productive at all. Here are a few examples:

* 20% of the things in your house are used 80% of the time.
* 80% of the things in your house are used 20% of the time.
* 20% of your activities give you 80% of your satisfaction.
* 20% of the stocks in an investor’s portfolio produce 80% of the results.
* 20% of the books in a bookstore account for 80% of the sales.

The challenge is to identify those few vital items that produce the greatest value for you. Focus on the activities that result in satisfaction, such as money, better health, or more free time. At the same time, identify those many trivial items that don’t lead to things like satisfaction, money, better health, or more free time. These unprofitable activities are taking up 80% of your time. Doesn’t it make sense to deemphasize them in favor of the vital 20%?

Making Time Takes Time

The first challenge to simplifying your life is that it takes an investment of time. If you want to discover how to make time for the things you enjoy, you have to examine how you are spending your time now. If you keep living your life the same way you always have, it will stay complicated.

For some, the excuse, “I can’t slow down because everything is important,” is a way to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see: a relationship that is no longer fulfilling, a job that no longer satisfies, an emotional distance that has emerged between them and their family members. Some people keep their lives going at a furious pace to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see.

If you really do want to simplify your life, you will make the time. You don’t have to do anything radical; in fact, it is best to start small. Set aside just 30 minutes each day for a week. During that time, ask yourself a simple question: “What are the elements that contribute to my life feeling so complicated?” Make a list of the factors in your journal and write about them. Begin to think about what can be changed or eliminated.

Finding this time is not as impossible as it may seem at first. Maybe you can leave work 30 minutes early for a month and use the extra time for this exploration, possibly at home. Perhaps you can take the train instead of driving, or turn off the television during the evening and write in your journal instead (see my recent blog post on this topic). Set aside 30 minutes a day for one month, ask yourself some important questions, and be prepared to learn some remarkable things about yourself.

Fewer Responsibilities

You may think that this sounds impossible. You might ask, “Who will take care of the kids, put food on the table, cook and clean and drive my ageing parents around?” These may be non-negotiable.  Or they might be delegate-able.  See which responsibilities can be passed on or shared with others.  For example, have each family member (of age) be responsible for dinner one night a week, even if it’s just sandwiches.  Ask yourself which projects, tasks, activities and other responsibilities are truly necessary.  Do you really have to mop the floor each night?  Maybe twice a week will do.  Do you really have to coach all three of your children’s soccer teams, as well as their hockey?  Pick and choose what’s really important to you, and make it clear that you only have room in your life for those responsibilities.

Learn to Say No

If you want a simpler life, you must learn to say no. In Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, author Elaine St. James says that people get into trouble because they agree to do things they really don’t have time to do. This leads to a constant state of being overcommitted and frustrated. Our culture makes it difficult for us to say no to requests to attend extra meetings, dinner engagements, or to take on new responsibilities. Many of us feel obligated to always be participating at a high level. We are proud of our high productivity and involvement, but it comes with a high price: a complicated life that leaves no time for you. St. James suggests that you actually schedule time for yourself on your calendar at the beginning of every month; when you are invited to participate in something, turn down the request because you already have a commitment.

Clear Away Clutter

Get rid of things you don’t use. Think of all the stuff you have acquired in the past five or 10 years. Most of it is designed to make life simpler, but in fact most of it brings along its own set of complications. Think of what typically happens when you buy a new electronic gadget: Consider all of the time required to earn the money to pay for it, shop for it, buy it, set it up, learn how to use it, fix the unexpected problems it causes with another gadget, and then the time you spend actually using it. Most of us have rooms in our houses filled with stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but ends up sitting on a shelf or in a drawer, unused. St. James suggests that you go through your house once each year and get rid of everything you haven’t used during the previous year.

She also has an idea for not acquiring new stuff in the first place. She suggests a technique called the 30-Day List. When you start thinking that you must have a certain product, add it to your 30-Day List and wait. At the end of 30 days, ask yourself if you really still need it. Chances are, you will have lost your enthusiasm for the product and will cross it off the list.

Take Action

What’s one action you can commit to, right now?  Decluttering you desk, your car, your bedroom closet?  Saying no at least once a week?  Making a list of what’s really important to you?  One small step begets another, you just have to get started!

I’ve been featured in the Montreal Gazette!

I was recently interviewed by Stephanie Whittaker of the Montreal Gazette on facing your fears. Check out the full article here.

Great article on intuitive eating

Check out this great article on intuitive eating I found.  The reporter describes a woman in California who is about to conduct a clinical study to evaluate how effective it is.  I think this is GREAT news, because very little attention is usually paid to overeating in the research world.  Most studies on eating disorders focus on bulimia and anorexia nervosa, but rarely (or never) on the overeating without purging.  Looking forward to seeing the results!

http://www.modbee.com/local/story/379250.html

Adventures in going TV-less

My husband and I have recently decided to experiment with life without TV. Partly out of practicality, and partly out of curiosity, we have decided to make a very bold move.  When our satellite TV contract was up this July, we asked ourselves whether we wanted to continue spending time and money that could be better used elsewhere.

When faced with the prospect, part of me was terrified. I’ll admit, I can be a bit of a TV addict.  I would be ashamed to tally up the number of hours I have spent watching the HGTV channel alone.  But the reality is, it wasn’t at all uncommon for me to watch a rerun of a show I had just watched weeks, days or even hours earlier.  That was when I knew I was using TV as a form of escape, and drastic measures were required.  Unfortunately, once it was on, pushing that “OFF” button was a lot harder than it looked.

There’s a reason TVs are called idiot boxes. Trapping you into a mindless trance, they provide an entertaining distraction from the real responsibilities of daily life.  However, they also deprive you of the pleasures and nurturing activities that make life worth living.  Not to mention mindless TV watching goes hand-in-hand with mindless eating.  Evenings are the worst for most (including the winter version of myself), where you can literally park yourself in front of the TV for 5 or 6 hours.  Evenings are meant to be a slow-down period of quiet reflection and socialization, preparing us for the restorative sleep of night.  Instead, TVs a-blaring and a-blazing overstimulate our senses and prevent us from spending quality time with ourselves and others.  Perhaps most insidiously of all, TV strips you of your ability to think for yourself and develop informed opinions, which suits the man in charge just fine.  Religion as the opiate of the masses?  Not anymore.

In the month and a half since going TV-less, here is what I’ve learned:

1) I can actually survive without watching Oprah and Jeopardy on a daily basis. If there’s a really important episode, www.oprah.com has a great synopsis of every show.  Or I can ask my mom to tape it.

2) The internet is a good substitute for entertainment. OK, I know, I’m already an internet addict - taking away TV just means more surf time, right?  Actually, no.  One of the other changes we’ve made is using a direct connection to the internet using an actual cable rather than a WiFi connection - that means actually going to the office to use the computer.  Before, I’d double-time by watching TV as I surfed the web on my laptop!  By compartmentalizing my space, I know that going into the office means work, or deliberately choosing to entertain myself for a set period of time.

3) More cozy time with my husband. Get your mind out of the gutter!  You’d be surprised at what spending more time together can do for your well-being.

4) I’ve reconnected with hobbies I had lost touch with. I used to be an avid fiction reader, and I find snuggling up with a good book the most delicious of indulgences.  I’ve also started knitting again, and listening to soothing music while I do it.  I’ve also started some new hobbies, like colouring mandalas (not just for kids!) when I need something to focus my energies.

5) I’ve started asking myself what really makes me happy in life, not just what distracts me from my pain.  TV, just like overeating, is a wonderful “magic pill” to make your problems disappear...until you stop watching or stop eating.  By deliberately choosing the activities in my leisure time, I’m creating the kind of life that I want and that is satisfying to me.  This is still a work in progress.

6) Because I wake up more rested, rejuvenated and restored from my leisurely evenings, my productivity has gone up during the time I actually do work.  Note that I’m not working more, just more efficiently.

7) My house is cleaner. I’m not kidding you.  I consider myself a fairly neat and tidy person, but who wants to wash dishes when I can get hooked into a Family Guy marathon?

I know that not everybody has the guts to go cold turkey like we did, but ask yourself if you really need TV. Can you afford to cut back on a few hours?  Do you have the discipline to do so?  Would you worry what people would think if you got rid of your TV?  I know that this post is a little subversive, but that’s kind of the point of writing in this blog.

Back from Florida: Some observations on eating

Last week my husband and I returned from a two-week trip to Fort Lauderdale. I promised my newsletter readers I’d comment on some of my observations I made while down there, and here they are.  There are really two things I want to discuss - how I managed to keep up my own healthy eating habits and some of the ways American eating habits differ from our own (in Canada).

First off, it was surprisingly easy to stick to my intuitive eating habits that I’ve been developing over the last little while. I was actually stressing out a little before I left because I thought I’d be tempted to eat everything in sight because I was on vacation.  I was also worried that even if I wanted to make healthy choices, I’d be stuck with eating crap food from American chains like Cracker Barrel, McDonald’s (the horror!), and T.G.I. Friday’s because of a lack of proper restaurants that were reasonably priced.  Boy, did I surprise myself!

I found it was actually easier to eat intuitively while on vacation. No schedules, no running around and no stress meant that I could lounge about in the sun all day and eat whenever I felt like it, which was usually at very odd times of the day.  My day ALWAYS starts off with a healthy breakfast, so I just kept up that habit.  Having a mini-fridge and microwave in our room meant that we could do groceries and prepare a few of our own meals rather than have to eat out three times a day.  It also meant eating only when and if we were hungry.  Much to my delight, it turned out that there was a Whole Foods Market not far from our hotel, so I relished being able to to pick out healthy and delicious meals to keep in our room.  (To my Canadian readers, Whole Foods is a grocery store that specializes in gourmet, healthy, and organic food.  The next time you’re in the States, I insist that you visit one: Loblaws will never look the same to you again.)

In terms of restaurant choices, we deliberately only went to places that served proper food, as close to home-cooked as possible. We only ate fast food once, and that was to satisfy my husband’s cravings, not mine, if you can believe it.  We got snack-sized sandwiches, and shared the fries.  We found a great Greek place not far from our hotel, that was like eating at home.  It was so good, we ate there three times!  I also tried to eat one salad a day, since I have a tendency to neglect my vegetables while on vacation, which tends to “back me up” (a common problem with vacationers).

One disturbing observation, however: the times we did choose to eat out, I noticed the meals tended to be very rushed. Not by us, but by the waitstaff.  About a minute after being seated, often even before having a chance to open the menu, the waiter would come by to take our order.  When we stammered that we weren’t ready yet, they’d keep coming back every minute or so until we choose our dinners.  Talk about being pressured!  And everyone knows that when you’re pressured, you tend to make impulse (read: unhealthy) decisions.  The food usually arrived fairly quickly, nothing unusually fast, and then we proceeded to eat like we normally would back home.  Usually, when I eat out, I take my time, savouring each bite, making conversation, etc.  However, I noticed that down there, most of the time the waiter would come back with our bill about five minutes after starting to eat.  I thought was not only very strange, but very rude!  It really makes you feel like you’d better hurry up and eat and get the heck out of there. 

All this to say that eating out wasn’t a relaxing, enjoyable experience, but rather a rushed and somewhat stressful one.  If that’s how all Americans treat their meals, like something to be done with ASAP, then it’s no wonder mindful eating is so rare and obesity so common.  If anyone else has had similar experiences, I’d love to hear them! Feel free to comment at the end of this post.

33 ways to use your journal for self-discovery and self-expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. I recommend choosing something that you’ll enjoy using and that you’ll stick to: a beautiful notebook, small enough to carry with you will make it easy to write whenever the inspiration hits you. 

Alternatively, you could also use any of the free online journals out there (www.inboxjournal.com, www.my-diary.org) or free blogs (www.blogger.com, www.wordpress.org) - just be sure to set your entries to “private” so the whole world doesn’t see what you’ve written!  The online diaries also send email reminders to write in them - I love built-in nagging!

The trick to making a journal work for you is knowing what to write in it.  Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you’re not sure where to start:

1.  Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.

2.  Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

3.  Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.

4.  Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.

5.  Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.

6.  Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can’t think of any more. Then choose the top five.

7.  For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.

8.  Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.

9.  Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.

10.  Describe how your life would be different if _____________ had or had not happened.

Here are some examples:
a.  If your parents had divorced
b.  If your parents had remained married
c.  If your parents had been married
d.  If your mother hadn’t passed away
e.  If you hadn’t moved to
f.  If you had gone to college
g.  If you hadn’t gone to college
h.  If you had gone to _______ college
i.  If you had never met __________
j.  If you hadn’t broken up with __________

11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.

12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.

13. Write about your first year in high school.

14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.

15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.

16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.

17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.

18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.

19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.

20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:

a.  What your life is like now
b.  What you have learned since you were 10
c.  What you want him or her to know
d.  What you want him or her to beware of
e.  What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of

21. Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.

22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn’t appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.

23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.

24. Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.

25. Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.

26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:

a.  Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening
b.  Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening
c.  Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences

27. Write about the five things you most like to do.

28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.

29. Make a list of five places you’d like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.

30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.

31. Write a letter to your children or grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

32. Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.

33. And for those of you who struggle with emotional eating, write about what life would be like if you weren’t addicted to food, where this need to eat comes from, what you learned about food and eating while you were growing up.

34. Add your own ideas here:

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That should be enough to get you started! Keep it up on a regular basis, and you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself.

Sex and the City and emotional eating

I finally got around to seeing the “Sex and the City” movie this weekend. And believe it or not, among those unrealistically thin bodies was a segment on emotional eating!

Turns out Samantha had been using food to avoid cheating on her boyfriend with her hot next-door neighbour; in her words, “I eat so I don’t cheat.” Although it was really just a caricature of emotional eating (the “fat” she gained was the most microscopic of bulges in her tummy), I was pleased to see that this topic is gaining mainstream attention.

This scene got me thinking, though. Often people emotionally eat to avoid emotions, but what kinds of behaviours might people be avoiding by eating?  In this case, it was doing something that was in her nature, but given her relationship status, would have been wrong. 

Are there things you wish you could be doing that you feel are somehow wrong given your situation? Do you fantasize about running away and starting a new life without all your current obligations and responsibilities?  Do you wish you could be living someone else’s life? 

It’s worth asking yourself these questions, and answering them honestly. Even if you can’t do what it is you really want to be doing (in Samantha’s case, leave her boyfriend so she could go back to her free agent ways), just admitting to yourself that you’re not that happy might do the trick.  Finding a way to change the situation, compromising it, or accepting things as they are could be the ticket to reducing your emotional eating patterns.