The Importance of Self-Love

The legend of Narcissus tells of a young boy who, upon seeing his reflection in a clear fountain with water like silver, fell hopelessly in love with himself. Unable to tear his gaze away from his reflection, he could not eat, could not sleep, until finally, he pined away and died.

Unfortunately, the myth of Narcissus is too often our concept of self-love. We believe that if we love ourselves, we are selfish and self-centered, that falling in love with self means conceit and self-absorption. In fact, the opposite is true. Self-love is an honoring of the self that requires a high degree of independence and courage. The love we give others will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves.

The Problem with not Loving Yourself

A lack of self-love is a sign of low self-esteem or self-worth and shows its face in many ways: a refusal to enjoy life, workaholism, perfectionism, procrastination, emotional eating, guilt, and shame. Those who lack self-love avoid commitments, stay in destructive relationships, and fail to experience true intimacy with anyone. They practice negative self-talk, compare themselves with others, compete with others, caretake others and fail to take care of themselves. Unlike Narcissus, when they look in a mirror, they turn away.

The primary difference in those who practice self-love and those who don’t is their belief about themselves. “Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence,” said Nathaniel Branden in his book on self-esteem, “Honoring the Self.”

The Gift of Self-Love

Unable to love ourselves, we are our own harshest critics, fault finders, nay-sayers and naggers. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can do to me what I have not already done to myself.” And just the opposite is true, too. We can be our own heroes, nurturers, lovers and champions.

Acting from authentic self-love, people are gentle, attentive and kind to themselves. They develop their gifts and talents and live according to the values and standards they have set for themselves. Theirs is a beauty that shines from within; they laugh readily and are at ease in the world. Theirs is not a conceit, but a sureness of self. “To honor the self,” Branden said, “is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.”

So to answer the question, “What does self-love have to do with it?”

Everything.

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

Why Therapy? Exploring the Strengths of Seeking Help

Long before there were therapists, there were family members. Grandpa and Aunt Jane listened, or gave us advice, or sometimes just told us to buck up. If family couldn’t help, there were friends or a clergy member. But most likely, we were also warned not to broadcast our troubles, and many people suffered their emotional problems silently.

Times have changed, and so has society’s acceptance of seeking help. The old stigma of being seen as weak or incapable is largely gone.  This has been helped tremendously by many well-known writers, actors and politicians being open about their struggles with, and treatments for, everything from depression to chronic shoplifting. Going to a therapist is now seen as a sign of strength and willingness to take charge of one’s life.  Rather than proof that someone is “sick,” it is a sign of good health to make a commitment to change.

What Makes Therapy Different?

You might be wondering what talking to a therapist will do that you can’t get from talking to a dear friend or family member. “Therapy is a unique relationship and what makes it valuable sets it apart from friendships, working partnerships, family connections and love affairs,” says Carl Sherman, author of How to Go to Therapy: Making the Most of Professional Help.

In his book, author Sherman describes therapy as a balance in which two people are “collaborating on a single project: helping you deal with your problems and achieve the change you want. There is no other agenda.”

It’s the simplicity of that agenda, combined with a structured schedule, confidentiality and trust, that make this unique relationship work so well for so many people. What’s more, the “unconditional positive regard” that characterizes all good therapeutic relationships can serve as a new way of experiencing one’s self as worthy of another’s respect and acceptance. 

Will I Have to Lie on a Couch?

Some people are afraid or uncertain about what to expect. For example (thanks to the media!), some people believe a therapist will make them lie on a couch, or say or do crazy things. While some therapists might have couches in their offices, you choose where to sit. You choose what to say. You choose when to say it.

And, nowadays, there is an incredible number of ways to explore problems. Beyond conventional talk therapy, there is art therapy, music therapy, somatic therapy--even laughter therapy--to name just a few. For every kind of problem, and every kind of person, there is a therapeutic healing modality that fits.

Benefits of Therapy

The strength of therapy is that there are no strings attached. In his book, Sherman offers some further benefits of the therapeutic relationship:

1. Safety. If the relationship is right, you can feel safe to reveal your fears, dreams and fantasies without fear of repercussions or judgment on the part of the therapist. Unlike telling a friend or family member, your words to a therapist won’t come back to haunt you.  And as you learn to disclose your deepest thoughts and feelings, you will feel more confident in sharing those parts of yourself with those closest to you, strengthening your bonds with others.

2. Confidentiality. The therapist is bound by ethics and law (except in a few well-defined cases) not to reveal what you have said during sessions. This adds to the feeling of safety and trust, and aids in people making changes.

3. Learning. Therapy can be seen as a deeply educational experience, in which a therapist acts like a coach or teacher to help the client see the world--inner and outer--in new and positive ways.  What’s more, that learning takes place on a deeply emotional level, meaning that it contributes to long-lasting changes. 

Into each life some rain must fall, and we all have felt deluged at least once in our lives. Grief, loss, anger, financial hardship, relationship problems, stress--all of these are a normal part of life. So is seeking help when coping is just too hard. It’s also normal to be a little afraid of what friends and family might say about seeing a therapist. But, in the end, it’s your life, and you know best how to make it a richer, happier and more fulfilling one--with a little help.

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

“Virtual Tour” of my new office

Now that I’m nicely settled into my new office, located in the Clinique Psy-Sante, I’ve taken a few pictures to share with you. I truly enjoyed planning out the space, and filling it with furnishings and decor pieces that I feel create a warm, inviting, and zen-like atmosphere.

Space is very important, especially in the work that I do.  It’s important that both therapist and client feel safe and “enveloped” by the room around them, as this room is the place where pain is shared, and hope is born. Let me know in the comments what you think!

15 Tips for Holiday Eating Without Weight Gain

by Michelle May, M.D.

Do you anticipate the holidays but dread the “inevitable” holiday weight gain? Do your holiday events revolve around eating more than the meaning, people, presents, decorations, or travel?

Avoiding holiday weight gain and eating healthy during the holidays can be a real challenge unless you have a great strategy.  These 15 holiday eating tips will help you avoid holiday weight gain and enjoy the season more while eating less.

1.  It is easier to get distracted from signals of physical hunger and satiety at social gatherings, especially if food is the main event. Make an effort to pay close attention to your body’s signals.

2.  Be a food snob. Skip the store-bought goodies, the dried-out fudge and the so-so stuffing. If the food you select doesn’t taste as good as you expected, stop eating it and choose something else. Think of how much less you’d eat if you only ate things that tasted fabulous!

3.  Think of your appetite as an expense account. How much do you want to spend on appetizers or the entree? Do you want to save some room for dessert? Go through this process mentally to avoid eating too much food and feeling uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.

4.  Pace your eating prior to the event so you’ll be hungry but not famished at mealtime. But please, ignore the old diet advice of “eat before you go to a party so you won’t be tempted.” That is absurd! You want to be hungry enough to enjoy your favorites.

5.  Socialize away from the sight of the food. People who tend to overeat are “food suggestible” so just hanging around food causes them to eat more than they need.

6.  Survey all of the food at a buffet before making your choices. Choose the foods that you really want most at that time and remind yourself that you can have the other foods at a later time.

7.  If the food is so special, give it your full attention rather than eating on autopilot. Eat mindfully by reducing distractions and sitting down to eat - even if it’s just a cookie. Appreciate the appearance and aroma of your food and savor one small bite at a time by putting your fork down. You’ll eat less food but enjoy it more.

8.  If the food doesn’t taste as good as you expected, stop eating it and choose something else.

9.  Since the duration of the meal tends to be extended at social events, you may need to have your plate taken away (or put your napkin on it) once you are satisfied to avoid nibbling unconsciously.

10. Be aware of the effects of alcohol on your food intake. And don’t forget that many beverages contain calories too.

11. Be cautious of “obligatory eating” - avoid eating just because it is on the table, on your plate, because you paid for it, it’s free, or because someone made it. Deal with Food Pushers with a polite but firm, “No thank you.” If you’re concerned about hurting their feelings, ask for the recipe or a small portion to take home with you for another meal.

12. It’s common to have candy and snacks lying all over the place this time of year. Avoid indulging in food just because it’s there. Grazing unconsciously leads to extra calories that you probably won’t even remember enjoying.

13. Before having a cookie, a piece of fudge or other holiday treat that was laid in the break room, check your hunger level. If you’re hungry and you choose a favorite food to satisfy you, remember to sit down and eat it mindfully - no guilt.

14. At restaurants, the portion sizes are usually huge - almost always “two for the price of one.” Request appetizer portions, co-order and co-eat with your dining partner, or have the server package up your meal to go as soon as you feel satisfied. Remember, “super-size” is no bargain if you didn’t need that much food in the first place!

15. Look for opportunities for physical activity - take a walk after dinner to enjoy the lights, take a few laps around the mall before it opens to do some window shopping or take guests to local attractions.

Most importantly, delight all of your senses.  Enjoy the company, the atmosphere, the entertainment, and the traditions as much, if not more, than the food.

The Makeover Show: Post-Show Update and Pics

A few weeks ago I participated in The Makeover Show, which was a great experience.  Besides being loads of fun, it was great to connect with so many wonderful people who are into “makeovers” - especially of the personal growth kind.  I had some fun giveaways, including fridge magnets, green apples that “matched” my table, and a raffle to win a copy of my favourite emotional eating book, “Breaking Free From Emotional Eating” by Geneen Roth. Check out the pictures below:

Me at my table, with my freebies and giveaways.  I loved the way my “Makeover” banner turned out!

Kudos to my sister (a former event planner) for helping out with the colour scheme and decoration!

Deep in conversation!

The Benefits of Yoga: Good for Mind and Body!

You’ve certainly heard time and again that yoga is good for you. All that stretching and breathing calms you down and makes you feel better. But other than “making you feel good,” what are the health benefits associated with practicing yoga?

More often than not, we tend to perceive yoga as a meditation practice that helps us physically - to balance, to stretch, etc. But yoga is also a practice that improves the well-being of our mental state. In fact, “yoga” is derived from the same root as the word “yoke,” referring to the process of yoking the mind and body together.  It is in combining both of these that the most benefit is derived from the practice of yoga. 

Physical Benefits

* Breathing: most of us breathe very differently than we should. As infants, we breathe in by expanding our bellies, and breathe out by retracting our bellies. As we age, we actually reverse this process, and we tend to breathe in a very shallow manner.  In fact, we very rarely truly give any thought at all to how we breathe. Pranayama, a yoga breathing exercise, actually helps to give thought to “how” we breathe and teaches us how to do it properly.

* Muscle tone and strength: many yoga poses require you to support yourself and balance on your limbs. This in turn increases your strength. Thus, more strength equals stronger, leaner muscles.

* Pain prevention: whether or not you have pain to begin with, yoga can help treat both current chronic pain and prevent future pain that can occur as we age. Back pain, for instance, is a very common as most of our everyday lives are spent sitting in a car or at a computer desk. This is turn can lead to tightness and spinal compression which yoga is excellent in helping to relieve.

* Flexibility: stretching out your wound-up and tight body will undoubtedly increase your flexibility. Areas of the body that are given an increase in range-of-motion through yoga are commonly the hips, shoulders, back and hips.

* Health matters: scientific research confirms that yoga has a great impact on the health of participants; more specifically the physical and emotional factors contributing to heart disease. These studies found that weight loss, belly fat, blood cholesterol, hypertension, and insulin resistance (among others) were all greatly improved through the practice of yoga.

Mental Benefits

* A sense of mental calmness: the practice of breathing, and the subtle and serene movements of yoga allow the mind to “think” calm. Focusing so intently on what your body is doing, and ONLY that, allows a sense of peace to flow through your body and mind.

* Stress reduction: one of the best benefits of all - yoga is an ideal stress buster. Because yoga requires you to be “in the moment,” focusing your mind and body on simply just “mind and body,” makes all of the everyday details melt away.  Yoga helps to put your troubles aside as well as put things into perspective.

* Body awareness: yoga requires you to move in ways you may not have imagined you could. As a result, you become much more aware of what you body can do, what it’s limitations are, and what can be improved upon.  And being more in touch with your body means paying attention to loving and care for it too.

* Self awareness: many individuals who practice the art of yoga find that they learn a lot about themselves; who they are and how they feel, or rather who they want to be and how they want to feel. Since it is a focused art, it is truly about focusing on “you,” which in our daily lives, more often than not, gets overlooked.

So what are you waiting for? Yoga is the perfect activity to help you become curious about who you are, focus your attention, and in turn improve your sense of well-being in ways you can’t even imagine.  Click the banner below to get started with your yoga practice today.

The Mind-Body Connection

“I think; therefore I am” - we’ve all heard this powerful quote by Descartes. But how many of us stop to think about what it actually means?  Is it possible not only that our thoughts are who we “are” inside our minds, but can actually influence who we “are” in our bodies as well?  And if so, should we be paying closer attention to what our minds, and bodies, are trying to tell us?  This month’s article focuses on how the body and mind are connected, and, some might say, inseparable.

Somatization

Just today a client came in describing an unpleasant odor she came across while on the bus (N.B.: I had her permission to share this anecdote).  The more she thought about feeling nauseous, the more nauseous she felt. She was surprised at how easily she became nauseous just by thinking about it.  And while relating this story to me, she made the powerful insight that if it was so easy for something as physical as nausea to be evoked by her mind, imagine what else she might be experiencing needlessly by over-focusing on it.  This is a great example of the mind-body connection.

A more extreme version of this is somatization, or the expression of emotional/psychological issues through the body. Psychosomatic conditions present real, measurable physical symptoms, yet they are not entirely the result of a physical problem. Although the symptoms and experiences are caused by the “mind,” the symptoms are in fact quite real, not “imagined.”

Typical psychosomatic symptoms include:

* Getting (and staying) sick while under high levels of stress
* Stomach aches before giving a presentation
* Rashes that break out in response to emotional abandonment
* Aches and pains when feeling tense or anxious
* Bladder infections when angry
* Gastro-intestinal problems that act up when upset

Often pre-existing medical conditions are worsened during times of high stress or anxiety. If left untreated, unaddressed and unexamined, these physical responses can become chronic and have a damaging impact on your health, even leading to life-threatening illnesses like diabetes, heart disease or cancer.

What’s Your Body Trying to Say?

Somatization is a problem and source of frustration for both physicians and patients alike, as the cause is often not readily apparent nor easily treatable.  However, I see psychosomatic symptoms in a much more positive light: once a physical cause is ruled out, there is a wonderful opportunity to listen to what the body is trying to say.

These conditions are being caused by emotional problems that aren’t getting addressed. In turn, the body creates an “alarm signal” to get you to pay attention.  What that signal is, and what it signifies, is up to you to figure out. However, in my experience, there is often a symbolic link between the symptom and the emotional issue; for example, a “burning” infection can often be the body’s way of expressing angry feelings that have no verbal outlet.

Emotional Eating

We’ve all heard the expression “You are what you eat.” On a physical level, our food intake contributes to the health of our heart, our cellular structure, and our overall energy level.  However, on an emotional level, what we choose to eat and why can translate into poor health, excess weight and using food for comfort and to numb pain.

In my work, I always explore what the meaning of food and excess weight is to my clients.  This struggle can be an expression of:

* Feelings of inadequacy
* Unresolved issues from the past
* Depression
* Loss
* A protective barrier against sexuality
* Family of origin issues

Emotional eating is not hard to identify - but it is hard to admit. If you have resolved that you are comfort eating, diets generally will not help. What WILL work is to heal the underlying issues that are causing the excessive eating and thus the excessive pounds.  It’s important to remember that the total well-being of a person requires that attention be paid to the physical and emotional side of things - the two are not separable.